Gut Feelings

I'm really fretting about my home visit. I've said before that I'm worried I'll just cry the whole entire week... A few days is barely enough to even hug my family. I'll be so incredibly tired and rocked. I'm scared I won't want to come back; but at the same time the thought that I'll have to leave this part of the world behind one day makes me really sad. I've grown attached to my London. Well, the people here. Not so much the city. But I will miss the tube. And the variety of accents.

It's not that I'm not excited. I am. I cannot wait for the wedding! It's going to be amazing, and if I cry there it will be for joy. I can't wait to see my family and friends and wake up to magpies singing and see how my garden has grown (OK so maybe it's not my garden) and to go to St Marks and see all the beautiful kids who have probably grown a few inches taller by now. But I could crash and burn (either when I'm back in London or on the plane - literally). It could make me even more indecisive about what to do next year.

I'll have to say goodbye all over again.
That's going to be really, really hard.

I've been feeling pretty rotten for the last two weeks because I'm in the process of changing medication. It's making me even more tired than usual and I'm waking up feeling hungry and nauseous at the same time. Of course, that really saps my supply of patience and anybody knows that getting kids ready for school in the morning can be a bit of an ordeal. I'm going to try my hardest to get to bed early every night I can, and hope that these side effects will go away. Waking up to the prospect of the stress of the morning doesn't help. I need to get more things going during the day: things I can look forward to. I had coffee with a friend yesterday which was real nice; and though it was only an hour, having to go out and get the tube and having a nice conversation with a peer (!!) was really worthwhile. It's funny how you can feel less tired if you've been occupied for a lot of the day than if you sat around not doing much.

So that's a little of where I'm at right now. There is a heck of a lot more I could write, but not here. Besides, I feel like I've talked a lot of things out with a lot of people but haven't got as far as dealing with anything, because I still don't know what can be done. What can be done? I'm not Wonder Woman. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not cut out for this. I'm not a parent. But maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It's not my fault things are the way they are, but am I helping? I don't know what to do.