How quickly I forget! Days have passed and I haven't typed a word. To be fair, they have been busy and lovely days and I wouldn't have taken time from any of them to sit here and blog. However, I'm sorry I didn't compose a Christmas greeting or recount these events sooner.
Even now I don't have time to go through everything in detail because this afternoon I'm heading out West (Bristol -ish) with my 'housies' (housemates) to visit their extended family, and we get back on New Year's Eve. I'll just say that I had a lovely time with Housito's (male house mate? or something?) family on Christmas Day after church, and a lovely time with Housita's family yesterday. I was able to Skype my Mum's side of the family late Christmas night - or early Boxing Day morning - which was fantastic. No snow! But apparently it's more likely in January or February anyhow.
This morning I sent off an application to transfer to a Bachelor of Education (Primary) through UNE, so hopefully I will hear back sometime in the new year I'm guessing and get myself enrolled. A friend has offered to loan her first year textbooks which is fabulous, and if anyone else has anything that could help, let me know!
Better finish packing. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!
Friday 27 December 2013
Monday 23 December 2013
Smattering
It's almost Christmas and it is not snowing, but absolutely miserably grey and windy and wet.
I haven't been writing because I don't feel that much has happened, but actually I know that my mind never stays the same for a day and I'm always examining myself and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. Perhaps I should make myself write every day. A new years resolution? But I'll start early while I have the yes-let's-do-it. Don't worry, I won't publish anything I don't feel is worthy.
I had a lovely few days with my Aussie friend. We went to Camden Town (markets) on Saturday and then the Natural History Museum which is stuffed with taxidermy animals (pun intended). Birds! I love birds. Over lunch we had a good old d&m about life and God, and that was great. She came to church in the morning and the carols service at night. And now it's my turn to have a quick trip to Paris! One day...!
I didn't get that interview for the job I really wanted. I'm actually not as disappointed as I might have been. I wasn't very confident in the first place so I guess it's no surprise and so easy to bear... That sounds a bit despairing. Yes I really want to be a teachers assistant before I can be a real teacher, but maybe I just have to get something else in the mean time like live-out nannying or... McDonalds. Please, no. Not maccas.
The next thing I have to do is enroll myself back in university and change my course to Primary Ed.
...
Half an hour ago I opened a new tab to figure out student loans and HECS and distance study and all that kind of thing, and I'm still at it, so this is me signing off. Till tomorrow.
I haven't been writing because I don't feel that much has happened, but actually I know that my mind never stays the same for a day and I'm always examining myself and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. Perhaps I should make myself write every day. A new years resolution? But I'll start early while I have the yes-let's-do-it. Don't worry, I won't publish anything I don't feel is worthy.
I had a lovely few days with my Aussie friend. We went to Camden Town (markets) on Saturday and then the Natural History Museum which is stuffed with taxidermy animals (pun intended). Birds! I love birds. Over lunch we had a good old d&m about life and God, and that was great. She came to church in the morning and the carols service at night. And now it's my turn to have a quick trip to Paris! One day...!
I didn't get that interview for the job I really wanted. I'm actually not as disappointed as I might have been. I wasn't very confident in the first place so I guess it's no surprise and so easy to bear... That sounds a bit despairing. Yes I really want to be a teachers assistant before I can be a real teacher, but maybe I just have to get something else in the mean time like live-out nannying or... McDonalds. Please, no. Not maccas.
The next thing I have to do is enroll myself back in university and change my course to Primary Ed.
...
Half an hour ago I opened a new tab to figure out student loans and HECS and distance study and all that kind of thing, and I'm still at it, so this is me signing off. Till tomorrow.
Friday 20 December 2013
On Depression
I wanted to share this video. Please watch it, I found it incredibly insightful.
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share.html
Pretending to be a Local Londoner
At the end of Year 12 I went on Younglife Study Camp, and met a girl called Lucy; since then we have kept up as pen pals. She is living in France at the moment and has just begun a tour of Europe - starting in London. Yesterday I met her at Kings Cross and took her on a tour! (because I am such a knowledgeable guide.) We were quite lucky to be in the right places at some points of time in the day (pun definitely intended - see below).
 |
| Trafalgar Square but not the main bit |
 |
| Horse Guards Parade |
 |
| Contact! That's my knee he's on. |
 |
| But I had no food so he lost interest. |
 |
| Going past Buckingham Palace |
 |
| The Serpentine - I think |
 |
| Houses of Parliament |
 |
| Westminster Abbey |
 |
| Westminster Abbey |
 |
| Tower of London |
 |
| Overlooking London from the Royal Observatory in Greenwich |
 |
| Greenwich Meridian Line - Longitude 0 degrees |
 |
| One foot in the East & West! |
Monday 9 December 2013
Just dwelling on the blog itself - I wrote this a week ago
I've said this before, but sometimes I ponder the direction this blog is taking. Is there even a direction? I'm not exactly traveling, so it's not a travel blog. I don't have any projects, so it's not a documenting blog. It's just a life blog I suppose. And I happen to be in a country that's not my own. This is my journal. My thought processor. I didn't want to go to sleep feeling yucky tonight so I kick started my laptop (it took three goes! Don't die on me Horatio, I need you for my degree!) and after several browser crashes I'm here... I planned to edit out the bits that needn't go public, and it turns out it all had to go and so what you've just read was initially a concluding paragraph. That's OK. I feel a bit better now.
The reason I'm putting thought into the purpose of this blog is because there are a lot of cheesy "life journey" writings out there, especially Christian ones. Am I unknowingly skipping towards that path? Or am I deliberately avoiding material that might affiliate me with members of the pink-churchy-teenager crowd who combine devotions with fashion tips and try and tell you that you deserve the best husband and he is in fact waiting at a bus stop near you but God will bring him to your door step at the right time... if you commit to quiet times and love straightening your hair. Sorry for the cynical stereotypism (made up phrase [MUP?]), but if I ever have to use content like that to draw an audience I should give up writing.
I think I want the people of the world to be a bit more real and face the realness a bit more. A lot more, actually.
The reason I'm putting thought into the purpose of this blog is because there are a lot of cheesy "life journey" writings out there, especially Christian ones. Am I unknowingly skipping towards that path? Or am I deliberately avoiding material that might affiliate me with members of the pink-churchy-teenager crowd who combine devotions with fashion tips and try and tell you that you deserve the best husband and he is in fact waiting at a bus stop near you but God will bring him to your door step at the right time... if you commit to quiet times and love straightening your hair. Sorry for the cynical stereotypism (made up phrase [MUP?]), but if I ever have to use content like that to draw an audience I should give up writing.
I think I want the people of the world to be a bit more real and face the realness a bit more. A lot more, actually.
Wednesday 4 December 2013
Friday 29 November 2013
What happens when I don't have a post plan
I know, that last post was disappointingly short. Oh, the irony.
Perhaps I will dwell on the weather, or my latest TV interests. Whinge about the fact that it is only snowing on the ad breaks, and for the happy families of Tesco customers. Britain loves Christmas! So unashamedly! Maybe it's just my family, but I always thought everyone felt that carols, Santa, trees, and fake snow were hateful things that could only be (barely) tolerated in December. OK that's an exaggeration. But maybe it's because it's home to the white Christmas (is it?). And Charles Dickens. Anyway, I'm with the right people in order to do the proper English thing. Even carol singing! Perhaps I should buy a white hand muff.
Needless to say, it's cold here. Not bitterly. And I like my coat. But the afternoons! They are four hours long. Then it's dark. That's right, close the curtains and turn on the lights. After you've seen the squirrel climb up the house to chill in the loft. Squirrels have this speedy but graceful way of swimming along the ground. Kind of like a mermaid would, but with more bounce and a bushier tail. I still haven't seen a badger or a hedgehog. But I have seen foxes.
And Facebook has taken over a bit, as I knew it would. But if it means I can keep up with even a few of my much loved friends back home, then I don't care.
I am so happy here. I feel like I've been back much longer than a week. I don't love the job hunting process, but it's just one of those things.
This might not come as much of a surprise, though it is a shame. Since my big update I haven't come very far with God. I haven't had one quiet time or done anything out of the ordinary except sing. But I just keep asking God to help me. I know I need to just knuckle down and get into it, instead of sit around waiting for a big enormous indescribable feeling or a shiny cloud to show me what I need to know (which is what I've been doing for years). But the devil still has so much power over my thoughts. "You're just wanting to be Christian again for security. You still don't believe in God, but you want to because your favourite people do." And now I can't bring any other lies to mind, is that him shutting them off so I can't fight them? Or is it true, am I fake? Is God real?
I've had this thing lately where I want to get myself sorted and work through my whole life and deal with all the issues I've got by writing everything down, and so become a well-rounded all-figured-out person, with no baggage and no complexes... HELLO! Is that not the dumbest thing you've ever read? As if I could do that. As if I could recall all the crap one experiences and resolve it on my own and get on with life with no regrets or burdens. It's a nice thought, that I could be totally weightless in order to help others and give infinitely, and make the perfect friend and maybe even wife one day...
...All my Christian friends be like: "Um, Jess? Have you forgotten everything you learnt in church? Jesus does that FOR us! Bit by bit, of course, and we won't be perfect until we reach heaven, but you know that you ought to just lay it all before him and he'll sort it!"
Oh yeah. Man, God must be mighty patient.
Perhaps I will dwell on the weather, or my latest TV interests. Whinge about the fact that it is only snowing on the ad breaks, and for the happy families of Tesco customers. Britain loves Christmas! So unashamedly! Maybe it's just my family, but I always thought everyone felt that carols, Santa, trees, and fake snow were hateful things that could only be (barely) tolerated in December. OK that's an exaggeration. But maybe it's because it's home to the white Christmas (is it?). And Charles Dickens. Anyway, I'm with the right people in order to do the proper English thing. Even carol singing! Perhaps I should buy a white hand muff.
Needless to say, it's cold here. Not bitterly. And I like my coat. But the afternoons! They are four hours long. Then it's dark. That's right, close the curtains and turn on the lights. After you've seen the squirrel climb up the house to chill in the loft. Squirrels have this speedy but graceful way of swimming along the ground. Kind of like a mermaid would, but with more bounce and a bushier tail. I still haven't seen a badger or a hedgehog. But I have seen foxes.
And Facebook has taken over a bit, as I knew it would. But if it means I can keep up with even a few of my much loved friends back home, then I don't care.
I am so happy here. I feel like I've been back much longer than a week. I don't love the job hunting process, but it's just one of those things.
This might not come as much of a surprise, though it is a shame. Since my big update I haven't come very far with God. I haven't had one quiet time or done anything out of the ordinary except sing. But I just keep asking God to help me. I know I need to just knuckle down and get into it, instead of sit around waiting for a big enormous indescribable feeling or a shiny cloud to show me what I need to know (which is what I've been doing for years). But the devil still has so much power over my thoughts. "You're just wanting to be Christian again for security. You still don't believe in God, but you want to because your favourite people do." And now I can't bring any other lies to mind, is that him shutting them off so I can't fight them? Or is it true, am I fake? Is God real?
I've had this thing lately where I want to get myself sorted and work through my whole life and deal with all the issues I've got by writing everything down, and so become a well-rounded all-figured-out person, with no baggage and no complexes... HELLO! Is that not the dumbest thing you've ever read? As if I could do that. As if I could recall all the crap one experiences and resolve it on my own and get on with life with no regrets or burdens. It's a nice thought, that I could be totally weightless in order to help others and give infinitely, and make the perfect friend and maybe even wife one day...
...All my Christian friends be like: "Um, Jess? Have you forgotten everything you learnt in church? Jesus does that FOR us! Bit by bit, of course, and we won't be perfect until we reach heaven, but you know that you ought to just lay it all before him and he'll sort it!"
Oh yeah. Man, God must be mighty patient.
Thursday 21 November 2013
Back
It's that time again! Now that I'm back in England I am free to write... freely. Well I guess I could have done a couple of happy holiday posts while I was in Australia, but I was having too much of a nice time! Besides which I had nothing to whinge about...
Flying is awful. I do not enjoy it. Whilst I loved every minute of being back home (that word takes on a whole new meaning when you plant roots elsewhere) I will not be popping back on a whim again. (No more weddings! Though to UneChurch that's like saying "no more tea and coffee.") England will be home for quite a while yet methinks, and the next time I catch a plane will be for a decisive move or some such thing. I know I'm not a city girl and couldn't live in London forever. That brings sadness, of course, because I've invested here; but it doesn't make me wish I'd never come. I love London and it is actually home, for now.
This is the part where I didn't have any more words at the time, so I went and did something else for a while and now I've come back hoping to finish it off but I still lack ideas so I will just sign off and wait until I've had a more decent amount of sleep to make up for the not-so-decent amount of the last two days.
I should just say that I love my family a lot, and it was great to see them and be at home like normal. Skype and email has been so great - it meant we were all caught up and could just be together. The wedding and catch-up party weekend was intense and I was completely exhausted by the end, but it was lovely at the same time. The wedding was wonderful, of course.
Oh dear. I shouldn't have sat down again in this comfy chair. I need to go for a run or something... MUST PUSH THROUGH till night to DEFEAT the jet lag... AAaaaaaaaa
Flying is awful. I do not enjoy it. Whilst I loved every minute of being back home (that word takes on a whole new meaning when you plant roots elsewhere) I will not be popping back on a whim again. (No more weddings! Though to UneChurch that's like saying "no more tea and coffee.") England will be home for quite a while yet methinks, and the next time I catch a plane will be for a decisive move or some such thing. I know I'm not a city girl and couldn't live in London forever. That brings sadness, of course, because I've invested here; but it doesn't make me wish I'd never come. I love London and it is actually home, for now.
This is the part where I didn't have any more words at the time, so I went and did something else for a while and now I've come back hoping to finish it off but I still lack ideas so I will just sign off and wait until I've had a more decent amount of sleep to make up for the not-so-decent amount of the last two days.
I should just say that I love my family a lot, and it was great to see them and be at home like normal. Skype and email has been so great - it meant we were all caught up and could just be together. The wedding and catch-up party weekend was intense and I was completely exhausted by the end, but it was lovely at the same time. The wedding was wonderful, of course.
Oh dear. I shouldn't have sat down again in this comfy chair. I need to go for a run or something... MUST PUSH THROUGH till night to DEFEAT the jet lag... AAaaaaaaaa
Monday 11 November 2013
Not many words
Er, I probably should have mentioned that I'm home safe now. I kept the Facebook updates coming but neglected my blog. It's been really nice so far, the wedding was lovely and definitely worth every second on the plane to have been a part of it. Being with family is lovely, and the smell of an Australian spring (with thunderstorms!) is a real treat.
Wednesday 6 November 2013
For the worriers.
I'm at heathrow airport waiting for my gate to open. My flight takes off at 8:20pm London time. After that, I won't be using my UK mobile number - so no viber or Whatsapp. When I get to Sydney I'll put my oldAustralian SIM card in my phone and hopefully it will work! I'll try and keep updates coming on Facebook. Don't freak out if I haven't posted before Friday morning, it just means I'm out of battery or data on my phone. My auntie is meeting me at Sydney airport at 8am which will be lovely!! I'm feeling far more relaxed than I was a few hours ago. It's happening! I'm coming home.
Tuesday 5 November 2013
New chapter
Be more honest.
That is the message of the week. I have had so many people thank me for sharing my struggles, and I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. Be more honest! Be real.
That is the message of the week. I have had so many people thank me for sharing my struggles, and I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. Be more honest! Be real.
Well, I've finished up as an Au Pair (a day earlier than I originally thought). It was sad to say goodbye. I moved everything out and I've shoved it in my new cupboard... in my new home!! So exciting! I'll be staying here tonight and then tomorrow it's off to Heathrow for the start of a 29 hour journey. 1:20pm is when I'm landing in Armidale! And I changed my flight back, so now I'm staying in town until Wednesday the 20th of November. And THEN it will be furious job hunting! Life ahead is looking good.
Monday 4 November 2013
THE BIG UPDATE
There is SO MUCH emotion in me that as I begin to write my brain probably looks like a thousand miniature Van de Graaf generators being shaken around in an upturned bowl of jelly. There is no way I could cover everything that has happened in the last few months and my reactions to it all. If you want a nice, neat summary... go away. But seriously, unless you know me well and care about my life, you're probably wasting your time reading this. Enjoy!
Where to start?
OK, so my last few posts have been quite mysterious and most likely a bit frustrating. I really am sorry! Boy, I have wished that I could just have a good old rant, but it's the world wide web. People's lives can't be strung up all over it like reeds on a submerged shopping trolley. Not nice.
Well, a week and a half ago I gave notice the family I'm with. It was indeed the hardest decision I've ever made in my life, and it tore me up and stressed me out for a long time. I'm still not fully at peace but I hope I will be soon. I feel sad, and guilty, and scared, and I feel like a failure and the worst human being to ever make a promise, but I believe it is for the best, and it was the right decision.
This is the really cool part: my church family. I cannot use mere words to tell you how grateful I am for the love they have. You see, I wasn't ready to come back to Australia for good. It was the only other option, really, that I had to go with if I were to decide to leave this position, since I didn't particularly want to go to another family. One day I was expressing these very thoughts to a lovely couple at my church... and then whatdya know, a week later I've claimed their spare room. I'm not there yet but I will be when I get back from Aus! I don't know how I can express just how thankful I am for their incredible kindness - imagine, some girl from the other side of the world walking in the church doors, and five months later you're opening up your house to her. I am completely astounded by their willingness to help me! They're fantastic people, and I am really, really looking forward to getting to know them even better. Praise God! He answered our prayers in a way that I couldn't have dreamt of. So then I will need to find another job. I think I want to do something quite different this time. Anything will do, really. I've got savings for now so I'm OK, but if things don't go well I might come home after all. Call me crazy, but I never did have a year-by-year plan for my life anyway.
Where to start?
OK, so my last few posts have been quite mysterious and most likely a bit frustrating. I really am sorry! Boy, I have wished that I could just have a good old rant, but it's the world wide web. People's lives can't be strung up all over it like reeds on a submerged shopping trolley. Not nice.
Well, a week and a half ago I gave notice the family I'm with. It was indeed the hardest decision I've ever made in my life, and it tore me up and stressed me out for a long time. I'm still not fully at peace but I hope I will be soon. I feel sad, and guilty, and scared, and I feel like a failure and the worst human being to ever make a promise, but I believe it is for the best, and it was the right decision.
This is the really cool part: my church family. I cannot use mere words to tell you how grateful I am for the love they have. You see, I wasn't ready to come back to Australia for good. It was the only other option, really, that I had to go with if I were to decide to leave this position, since I didn't particularly want to go to another family. One day I was expressing these very thoughts to a lovely couple at my church... and then whatdya know, a week later I've claimed their spare room. I'm not there yet but I will be when I get back from Aus! I don't know how I can express just how thankful I am for their incredible kindness - imagine, some girl from the other side of the world walking in the church doors, and five months later you're opening up your house to her. I am completely astounded by their willingness to help me! They're fantastic people, and I am really, really looking forward to getting to know them even better. Praise God! He answered our prayers in a way that I couldn't have dreamt of. So then I will need to find another job. I think I want to do something quite different this time. Anything will do, really. I've got savings for now so I'm OK, but if things don't go well I might come home after all. Call me crazy, but I never did have a year-by-year plan for my life anyway.
I've noticed that all too often I write a sentence (or question), and then I put a comma and a conjunction and write another clause. Maybe I should just go with my natural rhythm and try not to edit them out too much, but is it annoying? Have you noticed it, or have you blissfully read on up until this point and thought "oh gee what is she talking about?" Maybe it's the linguist in me, but I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. A lot of the time I'm all too proud, and I'm coming to accept that have ridiculously high expectations of myself.
(OK Jess you really overdid it there. No one is going to think that was clever. Now you're having to point out the irony. Totally killed it. Way to go all Monty Python in a not-very-funny post.)
I don't know how many times I've edited this post (and you left in that paragraph about grammar?!), but even now I'm hesitant to publish. It's so hard to be honest and careful at the same time. You know me - my heart could be my sleeve. But some things just happen and we have to deal with it as best we can and move on without making a scene. Right now I'm such a muddle of guilt, regret, frustration, fear, sadness, gratitude and joy... and there's nothing I can do but keep- (DON'T even think it. I'm not British enough for that tiresome cliché.)
The other big news requires some back story. This is scary for me to write. I'm just going to have to be very succinct, I'm afraid. But feel free to ask me anything if you want to! I hope this isn't inappropriate sharing, and I hope no one is hurt by it's up-until-recent concealment. Um, really, if we're not that close you won't want to read this.
Basically, I've been struggling as a Christian for years. I've had depression since I was twelve, but after I finished school for a long time it was quite constant. When doubts about faith and God and stuff first sprang into my mind (at the end of 2010) I found it really hard to fight them off as well as fighting off the lies and pain that are drip-fed by the black dog (depression). As one got worse so did the other, and though I tried to work it out I never seemed to have it right. It was like things were falling out of my life and God was sitting back watching as I sunk further away from joy and love. Eventually I lost faith in him, and had to stop doing "Christian" things. Leaving the youth group team at the end of last year crushed me, but I was already so burnt out (for the second time) and angry I knew I had no choice. I stopped singing, taking communion, praying, everything. I could no longer call myself a believer. I hated God.
But I felt as though everyone (except those I was truly honest with) still saw me as a solid servant of Jesus. I would have been so sad to leave church and let so many people down, I already felt bad enough. So I came to England, hoping that I would find God over here and sort myself out... but there is no quick-fix solution. A month ago I thought I had come to the point where I would never be able to turn back and that was really scary. For the last couple of years I have lived with my family as the most important thing in my life, but not sharing their love for God and knowing I would be alone when they die, well, it's awful. But I could also feel my heart softening and my thinking starting to be less tainted by bitterness. How could it not soften, with the amazing goodness I've been shown just recently? Church here has been the highlight of my week - spending time with a shining community of believers. I love St Marks, of course, but because of my struggles I found it so, so, so hard. I used to cry after most services as I walked to my car. Many times beforehand as well. DON'T WORRY! There's good news a-comin'.
A few Sundays ago, we sang In Christ Alone at the morning service. And in a tiny voice I croaked along. I actually sang. In church. I hadn't done that for a whole year. I started praying (actually praying!!) that God would help me in my unbelief. And then last Thursday morning, as I was getting dressed, I decided that I wanted to believe in God again. I want to believe fully that he is good, and loving, and involved, and cares, and that the cross was enough to pay for the sins of the world. And this morning at church the first song was In Christ Alone. I sang it. I didn't belt it out but I sang it. I'm still praying that God will help my unbelief, because there is a lot of mess to get through, but I'm back. I'm hid in Christ. Hopefully!
How are you feeling, a bit drenched in heart-puss? (I just made up that term.) Yeah, well, I did tell ya. And, though it should be quite obvious: I'm going to be a tired, emotionally drained, jet lagged, overwhelmed, happy-beyond-words, guilt stricken, t dropping, untanned, crazy as always version of myself, so be warned! Oh man, I can't wait!!
Sunday 27 October 2013
Not Quite News
Updates are definitely getting few and far between. This is not because nothing is happening, quite the opposite in fact. It's because what's been happening is not exactly exciting adventure news... And I still can't really write everything I wish I could, as it's not really public knowledge.
I know, I'm sorry! I hate being vague! I'm doing OK. I've had an awful time trying to decide what to do about my situation (I suspect that the nausea and tiredness had more to do with that than the medication did); and having come to a decision I have peace, but also a lot of guilt and dread and sadness. I will fill in the gaps one day, but it's all a bit delicate right now. Just to reaffirm: I am fine. I'm not sick, or in danger, or in trouble.
On the bright side, I love church more than ever and I'm so grateful for the fantastic people there. I know that sounds so corny, but I honestly wonder where I'd be without their genuine love and kindness, and how I would spend my weekend if I didn't have such fun and easy-going friends! Having Facebook back has constantly reminded me how much I miss my friends back home, of course, and I can't wait to see you all in less than two weeks!
It's raining here, and everybody has been talking about the oncoming storm that's meant to be the biggest in two years! I love wearing my coat. It's so thick and heavy and it has toggles. Apparently "togs" (swimmers if you're a Queenslander) is a measurement of how warm your duvet is. Never knew this. Also, "flip them the bird" is not an expression used here. Neither is "say what?" That always gets a good laugh.
I know, I'm sorry! I hate being vague! I'm doing OK. I've had an awful time trying to decide what to do about my situation (I suspect that the nausea and tiredness had more to do with that than the medication did); and having come to a decision I have peace, but also a lot of guilt and dread and sadness. I will fill in the gaps one day, but it's all a bit delicate right now. Just to reaffirm: I am fine. I'm not sick, or in danger, or in trouble.
On the bright side, I love church more than ever and I'm so grateful for the fantastic people there. I know that sounds so corny, but I honestly wonder where I'd be without their genuine love and kindness, and how I would spend my weekend if I didn't have such fun and easy-going friends! Having Facebook back has constantly reminded me how much I miss my friends back home, of course, and I can't wait to see you all in less than two weeks!
It's raining here, and everybody has been talking about the oncoming storm that's meant to be the biggest in two years! I love wearing my coat. It's so thick and heavy and it has toggles. Apparently "togs" (swimmers if you're a Queenslander) is a measurement of how warm your duvet is. Never knew this. Also, "flip them the bird" is not an expression used here. Neither is "say what?" That always gets a good laugh.
Friday 18 October 2013
Title
Right so it has been a while since my last post. Apologies! I actually wrote a very short one the other day, but I've just checked my phone and the publishing failed. Oops.
It's three weeks until I will be in Armidale! Wow. That's crazy.
Things are tricky here. Tricky is a mild word. Hard would be a better term, but it's so overused and quite vague. I'm having to make a BIG LIFE DECISION in the next couple of weeks (um, no, I'm not dating/pregnant/wanting plastic surgery) and it is stressing me out. Sorry I can't really write more details.
On a positive note, the side effects have mostly ceased. I don't wake up feeling sick anymore. That may also be because of circumstantial changes. Mum and I suspect that the new medication was doing wacky stuff to my metabolism (I get really full on much less than usual then I'm starving two hours later, also lost some weight). Now instead of taking it after I wake up, I make sure I've had breakfast first. I'm not a doctor, but the doctor who gave it to me didn't really give me much guidance so hopefully I'm doing the right thing.
Also, I've started the couch to 5k jogging program... I know, you're shocked right? So not me. But I'm really enjoying it!
As usual, I'm loving church. The students are here (term started in Septemper) and people are just so lovely. I've also been going to a home group (which Little Man called 'church group' 'church box' and 'smart box') which is great. We're going through a book called Search the Scriptures, and we're in Matthew at the moment. Parables - not as simple as they seem!
I'm reading over what I've written and it is actually quite positive! I've been doing SO MUCH whining and deliberating in the last week especially, that I was assuming it would be more of that. It's funny how we switch our thinking when we're limited by what we can say.
If you're the praying type, I need wisdom. WISDOM. I need to make the right decision, because what I do will affect me and other people too. Sorry again that you don't have the whole story. Well some people do. Like Mum and Dad. Good old folks, always there when you need 'em. Except when it's 3am in Australia and they're not signed in to Skype. But hey. I know they love me.
It's three weeks until I will be in Armidale! Wow. That's crazy.
Things are tricky here. Tricky is a mild word. Hard would be a better term, but it's so overused and quite vague. I'm having to make a BIG LIFE DECISION in the next couple of weeks (um, no, I'm not dating/pregnant/wanting plastic surgery) and it is stressing me out. Sorry I can't really write more details.
On a positive note, the side effects have mostly ceased. I don't wake up feeling sick anymore. That may also be because of circumstantial changes. Mum and I suspect that the new medication was doing wacky stuff to my metabolism (I get really full on much less than usual then I'm starving two hours later, also lost some weight). Now instead of taking it after I wake up, I make sure I've had breakfast first. I'm not a doctor, but the doctor who gave it to me didn't really give me much guidance so hopefully I'm doing the right thing.
Also, I've started the couch to 5k jogging program... I know, you're shocked right? So not me. But I'm really enjoying it!
As usual, I'm loving church. The students are here (term started in Septemper) and people are just so lovely. I've also been going to a home group (which Little Man called 'church group' 'church box' and 'smart box') which is great. We're going through a book called Search the Scriptures, and we're in Matthew at the moment. Parables - not as simple as they seem!
I'm reading over what I've written and it is actually quite positive! I've been doing SO MUCH whining and deliberating in the last week especially, that I was assuming it would be more of that. It's funny how we switch our thinking when we're limited by what we can say.
If you're the praying type, I need wisdom. WISDOM. I need to make the right decision, because what I do will affect me and other people too. Sorry again that you don't have the whole story. Well some people do. Like Mum and Dad. Good old folks, always there when you need 'em. Except when it's 3am in Australia and they're not signed in to Skype. But hey. I know they love me.
Wednesday 9 October 2013
Gut Feelings
I'm really fretting about my home visit. I've said before that I'm worried I'll just cry the whole entire week... A few days is barely enough to even hug my family. I'll be so incredibly tired and rocked. I'm scared I won't want to come back; but at the same time the thought that I'll have to leave this part of the world behind one day makes me really sad. I've grown attached to my London. Well, the people here. Not so much the city. But I will miss the tube. And the variety of accents.
It's not that I'm not excited. I am. I cannot wait for the wedding! It's going to be amazing, and if I cry there it will be for joy. I can't wait to see my family and friends and wake up to magpies singing and see how my garden has grown (OK so maybe it's not my garden) and to go to St Marks and see all the beautiful kids who have probably grown a few inches taller by now. But I could crash and burn (either when I'm back in London or on the plane - literally). It could make me even more indecisive about what to do next year.
I'll have to say goodbye all over again.
That's going to be really, really hard.
I've been feeling pretty rotten for the last two weeks because I'm in the process of changing medication. It's making me even more tired than usual and I'm waking up feeling hungry and nauseous at the same time. Of course, that really saps my supply of patience and anybody knows that getting kids ready for school in the morning can be a bit of an ordeal. I'm going to try my hardest to get to bed early every night I can, and hope that these side effects will go away. Waking up to the prospect of the stress of the morning doesn't help. I need to get more things going during the day: things I can look forward to. I had coffee with a friend yesterday which was real nice; and though it was only an hour, having to go out and get the tube and having a nice conversation with a peer (!!) was really worthwhile. It's funny how you can feel less tired if you've been occupied for a lot of the day than if you sat around not doing much.
So that's a little of where I'm at right now. There is a heck of a lot more I could write, but not here. Besides, I feel like I've talked a lot of things out with a lot of people but haven't got as far as dealing with anything, because I still don't know what can be done. What can be done? I'm not Wonder Woman. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not cut out for this. I'm not a parent. But maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It's not my fault things are the way they are, but am I helping? I don't know what to do.
It's not that I'm not excited. I am. I cannot wait for the wedding! It's going to be amazing, and if I cry there it will be for joy. I can't wait to see my family and friends and wake up to magpies singing and see how my garden has grown (OK so maybe it's not my garden) and to go to St Marks and see all the beautiful kids who have probably grown a few inches taller by now. But I could crash and burn (either when I'm back in London or on the plane - literally). It could make me even more indecisive about what to do next year.
I'll have to say goodbye all over again.
That's going to be really, really hard.
I've been feeling pretty rotten for the last two weeks because I'm in the process of changing medication. It's making me even more tired than usual and I'm waking up feeling hungry and nauseous at the same time. Of course, that really saps my supply of patience and anybody knows that getting kids ready for school in the morning can be a bit of an ordeal. I'm going to try my hardest to get to bed early every night I can, and hope that these side effects will go away. Waking up to the prospect of the stress of the morning doesn't help. I need to get more things going during the day: things I can look forward to. I had coffee with a friend yesterday which was real nice; and though it was only an hour, having to go out and get the tube and having a nice conversation with a peer (!!) was really worthwhile. It's funny how you can feel less tired if you've been occupied for a lot of the day than if you sat around not doing much.
So that's a little of where I'm at right now. There is a heck of a lot more I could write, but not here. Besides, I feel like I've talked a lot of things out with a lot of people but haven't got as far as dealing with anything, because I still don't know what can be done. What can be done? I'm not Wonder Woman. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not cut out for this. I'm not a parent. But maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It's not my fault things are the way they are, but am I helping? I don't know what to do.
Thursday 3 October 2013
That autumn feel
Unfortunately the lack of sunshine means the brilliant reds didn't come out so well in this photo and one of another tree, but I thought I'd share anyway. Note well: you saw it here first. Not on other social media.
Monday 30 September 2013
Doing stuff
Don't worry, I haven't abandoned my posting. (Haha get it?) Here is a picture of Big Ben. And also a picture of the Houses of Parliament. I went there on the weekend so that I could say that I have seen it. I've realised that about myself: that I would hate to not be able to say I've tried lots of things. But I don't go on rides at theme parks and I haven't tried drugs. (I started watching Breaking Bad a few weeks ago and could not make it past the first two episodes, but tonight I pushed through...) Anyway you can't visit London and not take a far-away, cloudy & slightly skewif snap of the original source of the tune we can all play on the piano.
I like this photo because it has the London Eye, two cabs (at least I think the white one is a cab?), a red bus, letters on the road and a big building. And a massive crowd of tourists. 
Another thing I know now is that I need at least 8 hours of sleep each night in order to not feel like a zombie the next morning and not yawn all day. I started couch to 5k today and it's a good thing I've got a buddy (competitor) to do it with because it was exhausting! Rosie, you'd better have enough endurance for the both of us because I'd be very inclined not to go through that again. But we will get there! We are the jaguar!
Monday 23 September 2013
I caved.
Yep, that's right. I got Facebook. I lasted well over a year without it just fine, but I was updating my profile on Google+ and I suddenly thought, Google+ stinks (that's not a new thought), I may as well get Facebook. I fought that thought for a good two minutes and ended up losing. Ah well.
Friday 20 September 2013
Apples
I got Spotify premium. No more ads, and any song I want on my phone any time - I'm one happy chappy. But I might be sitting at the table and have my phone playing on the dock, and I'll think of something and want to Google it straight away - oh no! I can't! I think I'm apple-dicted. Oh well.
Yesterday I spent an hour or so thinking about my future. Result: I'm definitely staying in England until mid-late June of next year (except for the quick duck to Australia in 7 weeks!!). I'm hoping to start a Bachelor of Education (Primary) through UNE part time by distance in February next year, whilst over here obviously. I believe I'll have the time to do it because both the kids are at school full time as of next week. It will be good to get other parts of my brain active again. Until then I'm going to fill my time with a pottery course if I can find one that suits me, and volunteering at the kid's school if they'll have me. And more of the usual: watching TV, eating, more meeting up with friends & other Au Pairs, going to the nearby shopping centres... Oh and I'm going to get back into craft when I find a good shop. I'm also going to have to buy a new computer soon, as Horatio (current MacBook) is getting quite old and outdated. I guess I'll get a MacBook Pro, but I'll have to get one from home not the UK I suppose... It's awkward when I have to type the pound sign.
Well a lot of that was a bit trivial. About the primary teaching degree, maybe some (Mum) will read it and think 'UNE!?! Are you mad??' Well it's not the best uni but I'm already enrolled there (I deferred my arts degree for two years at the beginning of this year) and if I'm going to study by distance it may as well be from the one in my home town. Some may think 'primary teaching? are you mad??' Maybe. I thought I was sure about it a few months ago. Being a nanny has taught me a lot and sometimes makes me doubt I could do the job, but I had doubts about coping away from home and here I am - coping.
I still have to decide what I'm doing for the rest of my life?!
Hey I just got a link: Application - App - Apple. Clever sneaky people.
So I could stay on with what I'm doing after June next year, maybe till the new year. I like to round things off at a nice time. I probably ought to do some more traveling, but to be honest I'm not dying to go to Europe right away. If I never got to go I wouldn't really mind. I'd rather spend a year (or less - don't panic!) teaching at a school in South America. I've always wanted to do that. I'd also like to go to India. I won't have heaps of money saved when my visa runs out, and obviously I'll have to have somewhere to live and something to live on when I settle Down Under again to finish my degree. And then I'll be off again... or maybe not. Who knows. Some people want their life mapped out before them, but where's the fun in that? I've got lots of ideas floating around above my head - maybe they're apples - and if my choices didn't affect anybody I'd happily keep them up there until one was ripe and ready to eat. But you can't flit around carelessly like that. I'm going to make my decision about next year after the Australia trip. It's hardly a trip. More like a stop over. I wonder if anyone's getting married in Abu Dhabi while I'm there...
Yesterday I spent an hour or so thinking about my future. Result: I'm definitely staying in England until mid-late June of next year (except for the quick duck to Australia in 7 weeks!!). I'm hoping to start a Bachelor of Education (Primary) through UNE part time by distance in February next year, whilst over here obviously. I believe I'll have the time to do it because both the kids are at school full time as of next week. It will be good to get other parts of my brain active again. Until then I'm going to fill my time with a pottery course if I can find one that suits me, and volunteering at the kid's school if they'll have me. And more of the usual: watching TV, eating, more meeting up with friends & other Au Pairs, going to the nearby shopping centres... Oh and I'm going to get back into craft when I find a good shop. I'm also going to have to buy a new computer soon, as Horatio (current MacBook) is getting quite old and outdated. I guess I'll get a MacBook Pro, but I'll have to get one from home not the UK I suppose... It's awkward when I have to type the pound sign.
Well a lot of that was a bit trivial. About the primary teaching degree, maybe some (Mum) will read it and think 'UNE!?! Are you mad??' Well it's not the best uni but I'm already enrolled there (I deferred my arts degree for two years at the beginning of this year) and if I'm going to study by distance it may as well be from the one in my home town. Some may think 'primary teaching? are you mad??' Maybe. I thought I was sure about it a few months ago. Being a nanny has taught me a lot and sometimes makes me doubt I could do the job, but I had doubts about coping away from home and here I am - coping.
I still have to decide what I'm doing for the rest of my life?!
Hey I just got a link: Application - App - Apple. Clever sneaky people.
So I could stay on with what I'm doing after June next year, maybe till the new year. I like to round things off at a nice time. I probably ought to do some more traveling, but to be honest I'm not dying to go to Europe right away. If I never got to go I wouldn't really mind. I'd rather spend a year (or less - don't panic!) teaching at a school in South America. I've always wanted to do that. I'd also like to go to India. I won't have heaps of money saved when my visa runs out, and obviously I'll have to have somewhere to live and something to live on when I settle Down Under again to finish my degree. And then I'll be off again... or maybe not. Who knows. Some people want their life mapped out before them, but where's the fun in that? I've got lots of ideas floating around above my head - maybe they're apples - and if my choices didn't affect anybody I'd happily keep them up there until one was ripe and ready to eat. But you can't flit around carelessly like that. I'm going to make my decision about next year after the Australia trip. It's hardly a trip. More like a stop over. I wonder if anyone's getting married in Abu Dhabi while I'm there...
Thursday 12 September 2013
At the end of the day
Here we go: I miss my family and I feel like I've suddenly become (but am so unfit to be) a parent. I like my church and am making friends there. I'm excited about going home but still have no idea what I'll be doing in the second half of next year. A couple of big changes (not necessarily good ones) and some tough correspondence have given me much to think about (which I won't do enough of) but hardly anything to type because it's a public blog!?! Am I making sense? Oh well. Wanting to rant but I just can't! And I can't to my mum either. It's a good thing. But I get so teary when I watch movies where there's an emotional parting or a reunion of any kind... Oh I tried watching Breaking Bad but I couldn't get past the bodies... and the acid... yeeurgk. I need to buy welly boots (gumboots) because it's autumn and raining (genuine yay!) and I bought a cute pair of slippers that are zebras. I'm looking for a pottery course to do because I've always wanted to do that! I'm scared to come home for those few days. I have nightmares about the plane trips and I worry that it'll be so hard to leave again. I have planted myself here though and I'm definitely staying at least until I'm finished. But what then??
Sometimes I get the urge to do a bit of marketing for this blog. In all seriousness, sometimes I don't know what I should write here. Who reads it? Do they just want travel photos? That's what Google is for. Or day to day life? "Today I woke up and it had been raining. I had fruit salad for breakfast with honey and the kids were pretty good but didn't want to brush their teeth." Or lots and lots of feelings? Sometimes I think I'm writing to the whole world and sometimes I just want it to be my close or not-as-close-as-I-wish-they-were friends who see my confessions. SOMEONE VISIT ME PLEASE [big smiley face]
Today marks:
Being 21 for 1 month
Having broken my nose 2 months ago (all healed)
Having been here for 4 months and 1 day (wow!!)
Less than 2 months till I'm home!!! And Sarah and Dave get married!!!!!!
Also, next year I am twice my brother's age.
Sometimes I get the urge to do a bit of marketing for this blog. In all seriousness, sometimes I don't know what I should write here. Who reads it? Do they just want travel photos? That's what Google is for. Or day to day life? "Today I woke up and it had been raining. I had fruit salad for breakfast with honey and the kids were pretty good but didn't want to brush their teeth." Or lots and lots of feelings? Sometimes I think I'm writing to the whole world and sometimes I just want it to be my close or not-as-close-as-I-wish-they-were friends who see my confessions. SOMEONE VISIT ME PLEASE [big smiley face]
Today marks:
Being 21 for 1 month
Having broken my nose 2 months ago (all healed)
Having been here for 4 months and 1 day (wow!!)
Less than 2 months till I'm home!!! And Sarah and Dave get married!!!!!!
Also, next year I am twice my brother's age.
Saturday 7 September 2013
Miniland at Legoland
 |
| Brighton Pier - been there! |
 |
| Buckingham Palace with Will, Kate & Prince George in pram |
 |
| Gherkin in background |
 |
| Piccadilly Circus I think, with the underground |
 |
| Brighton |
Windsor
On bank holiday monday a few weeks back two friends from church and I went to Windsor for a day. (Apologies for that dodgy sentence). Just drag the map a bit - central London is to the East.
View Larger Map
Here are some photos... There's a butcher named after me! Yay!
So Windsor Castle is where the Queen lives sometimes. She wasn't in because the flag wasn't up. Anyway it was a great day.
View Larger Map
Here are some photos... There's a butcher named after me! Yay!
So Windsor Castle is where the Queen lives sometimes. She wasn't in because the flag wasn't up. Anyway it was a great day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)