Why is Deep never Happy?

This Saturday I'm going to Wales with a group from church:
http://wordaliveevent.org/
I'm really, really, really excited.

Another cool thing is this week I submitted an assignment several hours early. So that was a big achievement. I ate most of a box of chocolate fingers while I waited for the submission page to load, and there was some not-so-good language while the stress mounted. But as long as I pass it was all worth it.

I'm down to two days a week at work, that will last until the beginning of May. So I'll start looking for another job again when I get back from Word Alive.

Ugh such boring talk.
Want some raw thoughts?

I've had deep chats about predestination, once saved always saved, free will and all that kind of thing lately. It comes up at home group sometimes and I can't let it be because I can't understand it enough to love God. It's a barrier. Is it my barrier? Dunno. I don't want to live in a world where there's no God - that's a horrifying thought because then love, good & evil, and purpose: they're all made up concepts and don't really exist. I also don't want to live with my allegiance with the devil by default. I don't like that he has power over me and can trick and trap me. If he's real that's definitely what he has been doing. Yes, they're my thoughts and arguments, and yes, my depression was an illness, but boy did he take advantage. I still wish God had done more to stop it, but somebody said to me on the weekend that maybe I have to go through these questions for a reason. Though to me it has always made God look too weak or indifferent to save me - that the depression and doubt was bigger than him.
Nobody believes that I might not actually be a Christian. I don't know if I am one. Was I one and did I lose my faith, and can I get it back; was I never one and can I ever have faith; was I always a Christian but I'm just going through a dark stage right now... for the last three and a half years... If I die I don't know what will happen to me.
You might say "it's not about you creating faith from something within yourself, it comes from God" and I would say "ER HEY GOD WHERE THE HECK IS MY FAITH THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL THIS TIME?!" after I had blasted you with calling and free will confusion. Then you would say "You have to chose to have faith in God" - Well golly, I can't chose to have faith until I have faith in God. And I can't have faith in God until he sends his Spirit to change me. God is just a big meanie. I have asked him. I have. But I don't know what's true anymore.

So I'm stuck in a really miserable place of worrying that I'll never be a Christian but never live a fulfilling life without some kind of bigger purpose than myself... This is not new, I've just boiled down my issues a bit more. Sometimes I think I'm making small steps of progress but I'm never gonna get far enough to believe that what God does is loving. All you Christians are thinking "UGH IT'S SO OBVIOUS" and I'm like "Dude, you've got the Spirit. Talk to me again when you feel like God has deserted you and left you to mull over it for eternity."

How did you start this post excited about a Christian conference and then end it... like that (cursing the Holy Spirit? Am I doomed forever?), you ask?
Welcome to the contradictory, hypocritical, selfish, inconsistent lie that is my life. Thanks for stopping by.