Overcast Day

You know those dreary days...
It's probably a bad idea to blog right now, but I'm bored.


I stayed up late last night finishing an assignment. I am very much a last minute person. I'm glad I'm doing uni, and I enjoy the readings when they're not a chore. I love writing but I not when it's on somebody else's words.
"Do you want to be a teacher?" I ask myself. "Yes." "Then you simply have to do this."
".........OK."


I'm almost at the end of Week 5 of 6 here in the office. The weeks themselves flew by, but the daaays draaaaaaag like stringy cheese on pizza in a bad way. There's horizontal rain outside. Lovely. I like the walk to the station in the evenings (it will clear up, yes it will) (oh that was thunder, oh dear) and even the tube ride is fun. It's great for people watching - guessing the job, the relationship status, the contentment in life... Maybe that last one is a bit weird. I love changing platforms without even thinking - like a pro - and watching London out the train window as the sun sets for the day. A few days ago I saw a builder man walking along the scaffolding several stories high, and I wooshed past with Paul Kelly in my ear. It was beautiful. It's a part of my London adventure that's once-in-a-lifetime type moment.


Still lovin' mah church. It's my family and my whole life over here. At the moment I'm finding it really hard to know I'm going to have to leave. Am I? Yes. I want to be at home too. It's hard. I'm homesick though I don't want to be yet, but of course I am because I miss my family and friends and sometimes I wonder if Australia is even any different to the UK.. are we even a nation of our own? And then I see a photo with a gum tree or I think about the days I used to go barefoot outside and hang with people who are capable of making fart jokes and I know I'll never be British. I feel kinda cooped up in the city. There's no where you can be where no one can see you. No rivers or paddocks (fields) or backyards out of earshot of anybody. I need to get out more...


See this is why I only write when I feel like it. Don't be disappointed when my posts are few and far between - the days I didn't write are the days I would have liked to have a right old moan about life. You've dodged yourself many bullets. Either that or I was too busy having a nice time to bother with condensing it into words.

Thoughts From My Head

I still have no job. I had a pretty low moment last week after four local recruitment agencies turned me away on account of my lack of experience in office work which is apparently all they offer. But these things take time, people say, and I guess whatever needs to happen will happen when it's meant to.

Uni starts in less than three weeks! I have one textbook so far. I wrote my name in the front.

It's raining here.

I have moved into the newly decorated room of the house, and it is just divine. I'm in a brand new bed with swish squidgy carpet and whimsical wallpaper. I'm so spoiled.

I'm trying to get Centrelink to give me some money for studying, but it's never that simple, is it?

My computer is having issues. If you're a Mac user you'll know how important it is for the Finder application to work. Yeah, mine isn't responding. We'll see if a restart helps after this.

I have good friends. I have quite a number of wonderful friends who I can easily talk to all day about anything and everything. And I have lodged myself (pun intended) into the lives of such fantastic people here in London - not just my housies but everyone at my church.

Speaking of church, I've started reading Romans and I'm using a book called Search the Scriptures for an accompanying study. I didn't feel I was in the right place to go to the Sharing Jesus course that's being held at my church, but it's about time I got stuck into what God is about instead of farting around with my issues. I'm sick of fighting and moping and I just wanna come back. I'm reading Pilgrim's Progress which I'm thoroughly enjoying - I recommend it! But I don't think I would have understood it much earlier in my life. It requires a way of thinking that I probably wasn't open to as a legalistic and narrow-minded teenager. I think anyone could still benefit from it, though.

I think about next year quite often, but I never think beyond that. I think I'd like to move back to Armidale, but I can't really envisage anything further. I still want to go to South America some day to see a culture that's so different to rural New South Wales and my pocket of north west London, and I want to visit lots of other places besides, so I hope I won't do anything to prevent that opportunity. At the same time I don't want to get bored or restless or too comfortable when I'm back home. I say "when" intentionally, because despite what some of you may have said before I left, my heart has not been whisked away by an Englishman and though it makes me so, so sad to think I'll have to leave one day, it was only ever a two-year visa.

It does make me sad, though. I will miss catching the tube - I love the bit where everyone alights from the train together and walks towards the ticket barriers, I will miss the look of the houses and the ever-green grass, I will miss all the different accents. But most of all my friends who are almost a surrogate family. I love them.

Not Quite News

Updates are definitely getting few and far between. This is not because nothing is happening, quite the opposite in fact. It's because what's been happening is not exactly exciting adventure news... And I still can't really write everything I wish I could, as it's not really public knowledge.

I know, I'm sorry! I hate being vague! I'm doing OK. I've had an awful time trying to decide what to do about my situation (I suspect that the nausea and tiredness had more to do with that than the medication did); and having come to a decision I have peace, but also a lot of guilt and dread and sadness. I will fill in the gaps one day, but it's all a bit delicate right now. Just to reaffirm: I am fine. I'm not sick, or in danger, or in trouble.

On the bright side, I love church more than ever and I'm so grateful for the fantastic people there. I know that sounds so corny, but I honestly wonder where I'd be without their genuine love and kindness, and how I would spend my weekend if I didn't have such fun and easy-going friends! Having Facebook back has constantly reminded me how much I miss my friends back home, of course, and I can't wait to see you all in less than two weeks!

It's raining here, and everybody has been talking about the oncoming storm that's meant to be the biggest in two years! I love wearing my coat. It's so thick and heavy and it has toggles. Apparently "togs" (swimmers if you're a Queenslander) is a measurement of how warm your duvet is. Never knew this. Also, "flip them the bird" is not an expression used here. Neither is "say what?" That always gets a good laugh.

Gut Feelings

I'm really fretting about my home visit. I've said before that I'm worried I'll just cry the whole entire week... A few days is barely enough to even hug my family. I'll be so incredibly tired and rocked. I'm scared I won't want to come back; but at the same time the thought that I'll have to leave this part of the world behind one day makes me really sad. I've grown attached to my London. Well, the people here. Not so much the city. But I will miss the tube. And the variety of accents.

It's not that I'm not excited. I am. I cannot wait for the wedding! It's going to be amazing, and if I cry there it will be for joy. I can't wait to see my family and friends and wake up to magpies singing and see how my garden has grown (OK so maybe it's not my garden) and to go to St Marks and see all the beautiful kids who have probably grown a few inches taller by now. But I could crash and burn (either when I'm back in London or on the plane - literally). It could make me even more indecisive about what to do next year.

I'll have to say goodbye all over again.
That's going to be really, really hard.

I've been feeling pretty rotten for the last two weeks because I'm in the process of changing medication. It's making me even more tired than usual and I'm waking up feeling hungry and nauseous at the same time. Of course, that really saps my supply of patience and anybody knows that getting kids ready for school in the morning can be a bit of an ordeal. I'm going to try my hardest to get to bed early every night I can, and hope that these side effects will go away. Waking up to the prospect of the stress of the morning doesn't help. I need to get more things going during the day: things I can look forward to. I had coffee with a friend yesterday which was real nice; and though it was only an hour, having to go out and get the tube and having a nice conversation with a peer (!!) was really worthwhile. It's funny how you can feel less tired if you've been occupied for a lot of the day than if you sat around not doing much.

So that's a little of where I'm at right now. There is a heck of a lot more I could write, but not here. Besides, I feel like I've talked a lot of things out with a lot of people but haven't got as far as dealing with anything, because I still don't know what can be done. What can be done? I'm not Wonder Woman. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not cut out for this. I'm not a parent. But maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It's not my fault things are the way they are, but am I helping? I don't know what to do.

Windsor

On bank holiday monday a few weeks back two friends from church and I went to Windsor for a day. (Apologies for that dodgy sentence). Just drag the map a bit - central London is to the East.


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Here are some photos... There's a butcher named after me! Yay!



So Windsor Castle is where the Queen lives sometimes. She wasn't in because the flag wasn't up. Anyway it was a great day.