Where to start?
OK, so my last few posts have been quite mysterious and most likely a bit frustrating. I really am sorry! Boy, I have wished that I could just have a good old rant, but it's the world wide web. People's lives can't be strung up all over it like reeds on a submerged shopping trolley. Not nice.
Well, a week and a half ago I gave notice the family I'm with. It was indeed the hardest decision I've ever made in my life, and it tore me up and stressed me out for a long time. I'm still not fully at peace but I hope I will be soon. I feel sad, and guilty, and scared, and I feel like a failure and the worst human being to ever make a promise, but I believe it is for the best, and it was the right decision.
This is the really cool part: my church family. I cannot use mere words to tell you how grateful I am for the love they have. You see, I wasn't ready to come back to Australia for good. It was the only other option, really, that I had to go with if I were to decide to leave this position, since I didn't particularly want to go to another family. One day I was expressing these very thoughts to a lovely couple at my church... and then whatdya know, a week later I've claimed their spare room. I'm not there yet but I will be when I get back from Aus! I don't know how I can express just how thankful I am for their incredible kindness - imagine, some girl from the other side of the world walking in the church doors, and five months later you're opening up your house to her. I am completely astounded by their willingness to help me! They're fantastic people, and I am really, really looking forward to getting to know them even better. Praise God! He answered our prayers in a way that I couldn't have dreamt of. So then I will need to find another job. I think I want to do something quite different this time. Anything will do, really. I've got savings for now so I'm OK, but if things don't go well I might come home after all. Call me crazy, but I never did have a year-by-year plan for my life anyway.
I've noticed that all too often I write a sentence (or question), and then I put a comma and a conjunction and write another clause. Maybe I should just go with my natural rhythm and try not to edit them out too much, but is it annoying? Have you noticed it, or have you blissfully read on up until this point and thought "oh gee what is she talking about?" Maybe it's the linguist in me, but I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. A lot of the time I'm all too proud, and I'm coming to accept that have ridiculously high expectations of myself.
(OK Jess you really overdid it there. No one is going to think that was clever. Now you're having to point out the irony. Totally killed it. Way to go all Monty Python in a not-very-funny post.)
I don't know how many times I've edited this post (and you left in that paragraph about grammar?!), but even now I'm hesitant to publish. It's so hard to be honest and careful at the same time. You know me - my heart could be my sleeve. But some things just happen and we have to deal with it as best we can and move on without making a scene. Right now I'm such a muddle of guilt, regret, frustration, fear, sadness, gratitude and joy... and there's nothing I can do but keep- (DON'T even think it. I'm not British enough for that tiresome cliché.)
The other big news requires some back story. This is scary for me to write. I'm just going to have to be very succinct, I'm afraid. But feel free to ask me anything if you want to! I hope this isn't inappropriate sharing, and I hope no one is hurt by it's up-until-recent concealment. Um, really, if we're not that close you won't want to read this.
Basically, I've been struggling as a Christian for years. I've had depression since I was twelve, but after I finished school for a long time it was quite constant. When doubts about faith and God and stuff first sprang into my mind (at the end of 2010) I found it really hard to fight them off as well as fighting off the lies and pain that are drip-fed by the black dog (depression). As one got worse so did the other, and though I tried to work it out I never seemed to have it right. It was like things were falling out of my life and God was sitting back watching as I sunk further away from joy and love. Eventually I lost faith in him, and had to stop doing "Christian" things. Leaving the youth group team at the end of last year crushed me, but I was already so burnt out (for the second time) and angry I knew I had no choice. I stopped singing, taking communion, praying, everything. I could no longer call myself a believer. I hated God.
But I felt as though everyone (except those I was truly honest with) still saw me as a solid servant of Jesus. I would have been so sad to leave church and let so many people down, I already felt bad enough. So I came to England, hoping that I would find God over here and sort myself out... but there is no quick-fix solution. A month ago I thought I had come to the point where I would never be able to turn back and that was really scary. For the last couple of years I have lived with my family as the most important thing in my life, but not sharing their love for God and knowing I would be alone when they die, well, it's awful. But I could also feel my heart softening and my thinking starting to be less tainted by bitterness. How could it not soften, with the amazing goodness I've been shown just recently? Church here has been the highlight of my week - spending time with a shining community of believers. I love St Marks, of course, but because of my struggles I found it so, so, so hard. I used to cry after most services as I walked to my car. Many times beforehand as well. DON'T WORRY! There's good news a-comin'.
A few Sundays ago, we sang In Christ Alone at the morning service. And in a tiny voice I croaked along. I actually sang. In church. I hadn't done that for a whole year. I started praying (actually praying!!) that God would help me in my unbelief. And then last Thursday morning, as I was getting dressed, I decided that I wanted to believe in God again. I want to believe fully that he is good, and loving, and involved, and cares, and that the cross was enough to pay for the sins of the world. And this morning at church the first song was In Christ Alone. I sang it. I didn't belt it out but I sang it. I'm still praying that God will help my unbelief, because there is a lot of mess to get through, but I'm back. I'm hid in Christ. Hopefully!
How are you feeling, a bit drenched in heart-puss? (I just made up that term.) Yeah, well, I did tell ya. And, though it should be quite obvious: I'm going to be a tired, emotionally drained, jet lagged, overwhelmed, happy-beyond-words, guilt stricken, t dropping, untanned, crazy as always version of myself, so be warned! Oh man, I can't wait!!
