Overcast Day

You know those dreary days...
It's probably a bad idea to blog right now, but I'm bored.


I stayed up late last night finishing an assignment. I am very much a last minute person. I'm glad I'm doing uni, and I enjoy the readings when they're not a chore. I love writing but I not when it's on somebody else's words.
"Do you want to be a teacher?" I ask myself. "Yes." "Then you simply have to do this."
".........OK."


I'm almost at the end of Week 5 of 6 here in the office. The weeks themselves flew by, but the daaays draaaaaaag like stringy cheese on pizza in a bad way. There's horizontal rain outside. Lovely. I like the walk to the station in the evenings (it will clear up, yes it will) (oh that was thunder, oh dear) and even the tube ride is fun. It's great for people watching - guessing the job, the relationship status, the contentment in life... Maybe that last one is a bit weird. I love changing platforms without even thinking - like a pro - and watching London out the train window as the sun sets for the day. A few days ago I saw a builder man walking along the scaffolding several stories high, and I wooshed past with Paul Kelly in my ear. It was beautiful. It's a part of my London adventure that's once-in-a-lifetime type moment.


Still lovin' mah church. It's my family and my whole life over here. At the moment I'm finding it really hard to know I'm going to have to leave. Am I? Yes. I want to be at home too. It's hard. I'm homesick though I don't want to be yet, but of course I am because I miss my family and friends and sometimes I wonder if Australia is even any different to the UK.. are we even a nation of our own? And then I see a photo with a gum tree or I think about the days I used to go barefoot outside and hang with people who are capable of making fart jokes and I know I'll never be British. I feel kinda cooped up in the city. There's no where you can be where no one can see you. No rivers or paddocks (fields) or backyards out of earshot of anybody. I need to get out more...


See this is why I only write when I feel like it. Don't be disappointed when my posts are few and far between - the days I didn't write are the days I would have liked to have a right old moan about life. You've dodged yourself many bullets. Either that or I was too busy having a nice time to bother with condensing it into words.

Without the Rave

Well, I've seen the end of boredom. It's here. My course content is now available online so I can get cracking with it! Hooray!

I really miss my family at the moment. And I often wish I was at home so I could be with my Aussie friends. But I realised today that I'm scared that their lives will go forward and in a year or so too much will have changed. So many getting married! So many moving away! I want to be there now, and enjoy it how it is now, but I definitely also want to be here now, with these people, and sometimes I feel like I have to decide who I love more. How silly. But it's hard.

Oh and the money-from-the-government thing is a no-go. Ah well. At least my computer is working!

I'm stressed about being jobless and I'm losing faith on that front. What can I do? I need a job. Stress is rotten. I don't feel it all that much (usually my body deals with pressure by exerting it through an allergenic/infectious reaction), but even when I do it's not all that bad. So I really feel for people who have super stressful jobs or lives because it's so encumbering. When I was deciding whether or not to leave my last "job" I literally couldn't go a minute without the weight of the decision pressing down on me. Oh, you say, wait till you're a teacher... Hmm yeah. We'll cross that bridge after we've had a bit of a picnic.

I listened to some Mark Driscoll sermons. I never thought I would say that, because a) I never did like Mark Driscoll (until now), and b) I never listen to sermons online; but I found them really, really intriguing. I had a prejudiced and ill-informed opinion of Driscoll: that he was pompous and aggressive, but I really took to his frankness and his funniness. He doesn't mess about. I think that sometimes he gets carried away with being so avant-guarde but I appreciated what he had to say. Here's the link http://marshill.com/media/vintagejesus

And thanks to a wise woman who told me to watch the one on the resurrection - when was it - this time last year? Or earlier? I never did until now. But I'm glad I have. Thanks.

I get annoyed when people worship preachers like Driscoll or Piper or [drop another name here] as though it's their amazing wisdom that is saving the world. Yes, some people have brilliant brains and a unique knack for explaining things, but they're only human and they still do a poo. (I stole that from a lady who gave one of the many inspirational talks you're fed in high school. She was talking about 'the cool kids' and she said "when you're thinking about how great they are, just remember that they still do a poo." Cracked me up then, and I still use the technique sometimes. Never fails to entertain.)

And another thing: this one I stole from a good friend. She said to me "I think it's terrible how people [in church] feel that they have to leave... in order to step down from positions in the church" and I said "Who in particular?" and she said "Well, you..."
It's the truth. I know people who have got so busy with ministry, they burnt out, then left; and if they were anything like me, it was partly because you felt like people knew you as Jess-the-very-involved and now that you were just a shell of a person and couldn't be everything people expected of you, you had to go. I think that coming to London has been really, really good for me, and I'm so lucky I've fallen into a great church community, (well luck has nothing to do with it if there's a God), but it's a shame about the circumstances that lead me here. I believe I was in leadership too young. Too young as a Christian and too young as a person. I loved it, and I learnt a lot from it - more than that, I wouldn't be who I am if I had never been on the youth group team - but in hindsight I can see that I needed a lot more maturity and life experience than I had before I could take on that role.
Anyway, they're just my thoughts and I'd be happy to talk to anyone who has any ideas or opinions of their own. I've had a good life so far and I'm not suggesting that anyone ever did me wrong. I just have a different view as to when I was a teenager. All those many years ago...

At the end of the day

Here we go: I miss my family and I feel like I've suddenly become (but am so unfit to be) a parent. I like my church and am making friends there. I'm excited about going home but still have no idea what I'll be doing in the second half of next year. A couple of big changes (not necessarily good ones) and some tough correspondence have given me much to think about (which I won't do enough of) but hardly anything to type because it's a public blog!?! Am I making sense? Oh well. Wanting to rant but I just can't! And I can't to my mum either. It's a good thing. But I get so teary when I watch movies where there's an emotional parting or a reunion of any kind... Oh I tried watching Breaking Bad but I couldn't get past the bodies... and the acid... yeeurgk. I need to buy welly boots (gumboots) because it's autumn and raining (genuine yay!) and I bought a cute pair of slippers that are zebras. I'm looking for a pottery course to do because I've always wanted to do that! I'm scared to come home for those few days. I have nightmares about the plane trips and I worry that it'll be so hard to leave again. I have planted myself here though and I'm definitely staying at least until I'm finished. But what then??

Sometimes I get the urge to do a bit of marketing for this blog. In all seriousness, sometimes I don't know what I should write here. Who reads it? Do they just want travel photos? That's what Google is for. Or day to day life? "Today I woke up and it had been raining. I had fruit salad for breakfast with honey and the kids were pretty good but didn't want to brush their teeth." Or lots and lots of feelings? Sometimes I think I'm writing to the whole world and sometimes I just want it to be my close or not-as-close-as-I-wish-they-were friends who see my confessions. SOMEONE VISIT ME PLEASE [big smiley face]

Today marks:
Being 21 for 1 month
Having broken my nose 2 months ago (all healed)
Having been here for 4 months and 1 day (wow!!)
Less than 2 months till I'm home!!! And Sarah and Dave get married!!!!!!
Also, next year I am twice my brother's age.

Feeling the pull of my home

Right now, after visiting a Facebook page, I am REALLY TEMPTED to get a new account... So I thought I'd put a desperate plea out there for some Armidillian & general Aussie love. Please email with even the most trivial of news and PHOTOS. That would be tops. I just need to see my friends. Please. Just no bushwalking snaps because that would be make me insanely homesick and jealous.

BUT it's 75 days until I'm home for a visit! Yes that's right! Nothing but divine intervention will stop me now from getting to that wedding. I'm super duper excited. Unfortunately it's a super duper short stay, and by that I mean Friday 8th Nov - Tuesday 12th Nov (yeah I'm gonna be wrecked). I wasn't going to make a big thing of it because I will not physically be able to see everyone that I would like to, but what the heck. If you're around that weekend I'll see you at church and maybe I will have some kind of gathering! Yay!!

[cliché song lyric]

Well one perk of having your birthday overseas is that you get to open your cards & presents early...

...and I just opened the parcel from my family. When I pulled put the big card with my favourite elephant wrapping paper and messages from so many friends back home I just cried and cried. I miss everybody so much. Thanks for your well wishes! Even just seeing familiar handwriting is nice. I loved the card - if I liked the love languages idea, mine would be cards with warm fuzzies from fam&friends and pretty elephants so I'm thrilled. The presents were great too of course!

One big thing I'm learning is that it is such an invaluable thing to have people who know you well and still love you - and when they're far away it's haaard. But it's OK. I've reached the stage where if (when) I were to go back I would definitely miss this part of the world: the people in it. Little Miss sometimes asks who her next carer will be, and yesterday she added "it'll be sad when you go." It will be!! On Monday I hadn't seen her for a week and about every half an hour (not kidding) she would say "Jess," "Yes?" "I love you."

Gloomy Tuesday

As of last Saturday I am officially off duty for two weeks! Mum and the kids are off on holidays, and so I'm free as a bird that never had any wings. It's great so far! I've been asked so many times where I'm going, but I still don't know - it will happen and then I'll write about it, how about that. Originally I was going to spend the whole two weeks traveling but I stopped making plans after I broke my face because I wasn't sure what would have to happen at the dentist. I've got all next week to roam and I'm still going to Edinburgh for a weekend. Besides, I'm here on a two year visa and I'm saving a bit of money so there'll be other opportunities. 

I should have written earlier about my face and I'm sorry I haven't kept the updates coming. It's healing really, really well. The swelling is all gone and all you can see is a scar on my lip. And the temporary filling, but that should be fixed tomorrow. Hopefully.

I keep getting bouts of homesickness and yesterday I went to a suburb I hadn't visited before to do some shopping because I gave so many summer clothes away and I wished I was with my sisters or somebody. Loning it gets boring after a while. And I hate clothes shopping anyway - I did not find one pair of trousers that were not high waisted, nor shorts that wouldn't show your bum if you bent over. AND I've gone up a size. Ah well. I found this neat little shop called tiger where there's groovy gift and activity and home stuff. I bought a colouring book to use with my crayola pencils that I bought on Sunday. It's called malebog but it looks like mandalas, not that I'm Hindu now but I like patterns. And it was one pound. 

I was going to go to Oxford today. And yesterday. Now it'll have to be Friday! I'm just so tired and it rained. It's so hot here I find it hard to sleep.

You know one thing besides cute, fat bumble bees that England has that Australia lacks? The term 'bless'. If someone does something sweet or a kid is cute or you fall and break your nose, someone might say 'oh bless'. There's no equivalent for that in Australia I feel. After my first appointment at the doctor I went to the receptionist and asked if I had to pay, she said 'you're new here aren't you? Oh bless. No you don't have to pay.' Little Miss might do a drawing and write her name underneath and her mum would say 'oh look at that, oh bless!' It's a really nice thing.

Here I haven't seen those plastic things that do up bread, and before the traffic light goes green it goes amber while the red is still on I think. 

There's a red kite (bird) in the sky. I just love the clouds! This is not my house.

Me. 

My family - dad you're at the top and I have no idea who the rest of us are. I had to remind her I had another sister and a brother.

Bout #2

Homesickness. I admit it. I thought I was over the hump until the 3 month mark! It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm in for another round of almost debilitating hay fever and am still not getting enough sleep despite having a lot to catch up on. Still. And it's a lot of effort to start new with a lot of people. I'm sensitive to criticism and have less patience than I did to begin with, again it's probably tiredness. If you could see my eyes right now you'd be horrified - they're bloodshot and watery, and the skin underneath is black and newly burnt red. At least I have some non drowsy hay fever tablets now. So cheap here - 4 pounds for 30 which is like $6.60. Anyway.

There are little things about British people that I don't get, and things that I'm scared I don't know. Sometimes people talk really fast or the conversation moves in a way that is bizarre. So many times I've gone to step to the left to get out of someone's way and they've stepped the same way. It's not like that hasn't happened in to me Australia, but it's little things like that that make me feel so alien. At the moment I'm feeling like I won't stay any longer after my visa, and it's a silly thing to dwell on because I need to work hard and invest while I'm here. Let me explain myself - before I left, I wasn't sure what would happen and I was open to whatever. I never made it my plan to find a spouse or a job which was unlikely anyhow, and that would be a stupid reason to uproot my entire life, but now I'm almost positive it won't happen and that's fine. So I'm thinking about where I'll live when I go back. How I want to be close to my family but living my own life as well... You're thinking YES!! That's good! I know, but not when I still have a long time here. I need to love the people I'm with and wake up in the morning glad to be where I am.

Oh, another thing, they have pennies which is like using 1c pieces! It's so weird getting change here for something that ends in 99p since there's no rounding off like there is in Australia. They call a mohawk (hairdo) a mohican. I still get confused with 'pants', which are undies to us. Little Miss came downstairs yesterday laughing saying that her brother "just had pants on..." I thought, so what? That does remind me though that some English menfolk, however old, will go without a shirt even on cloudy days. If it's even a bit warm, off it comes. Tiling a pavement or a roof? Sitting in the park? Playing football? Just walking along? 17 degrees with a chance of rain later? Gotta take every opportunity.

Wimbledon is the talk of the town at the moment, it's a pity I don't give a damn.

I still have most of my holidays to organise! Any ideas? I wish I had someone to go with but I know it will be fun and educating (for want of a better word) on my own too.

Eventless fluff

The day I don't cry in the opening scenes of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe will be the day my heart has died. Even when I have to fast forward the planes & air shelter bits because I'm watching it with a four year old - and even the second time we've started it today - I get teary. I've changed my mind about American teen sit coms; there is way too much screaming and canned laughter. The noise leaking from the next room is like bird poo falling into my sweet cup of Narnian tea.

What comes next is pages of all the things I am finding hard. But I'm not actually going to include it, I just want everybody to know that this isn't a fairy tale girl-finds-herself-on-an-adventure story. Well maybe it is but this is the bit where she sings in a forest about how she's lost and alone and wishing she...

Ok stop now. I'm fine, really. Just still adjusting. Did I already write that before? Sometimes I wonder what I'd be doing if I'd stayed in Australia (I'm trying hard not to call it 'home'). Uni, I guess. Feeling like a coward and being bored a lot... but being with my friends. Hey, friends. I miss you all. I haven't spoken (face to face) to anyone over 11 or much under 30 since the Thursday I left Armidale (that would be you, Izzy). And I haven't eaten beef! It's all pork here. There was some Vegemite left in the cupboard from the last Aussie nanny to live here, it has been my pride and joy. (That expression sort of fits.)

I am glad I've come though, and I'm sure it's happened at the right time - last year's me couldn't have done it. If I had stayed I still would have still been living life, but England was on my mind for so long I couldn't have just forgotten about it. So long, in fact, that I fail to recall why and how it came to be there in the first place.

Well she likes rewinding it and watching the first half an hour over again, so I'm watching the train bit for the third time today and not crying. Forgive me. It doesn't count. I'm now on reserve battery so I'll just publish.

Almost forgot a title.

The don't have mailboxes here.

Oh and my iPhone woke up, I tried turning it on again and it said "charge me, fool!" So I did. Now it's fine. Jerk.

Church yesterday was nice, the people really are friendly. The congregation was a lot smaller, partly due to Bank Holiday Monday being today. I've got another day off to sit around on Spotify and watch Robin Hood... I was thinking I might zip into the city again but I'm not sure what I'd do, and what would be open.

Anyway here are some photos I took on Saturday. I got off at Baker Street and when I came above ground the photo on the right is the first thing I saw. It's not real! Rude! There was a building exactly like it right next door, but a man was standing on his balcony so I didn't take a photo. Then again, if you live in Central London you would probably expect that kid of thing.
So I went left to Regent's Park. It was really pretty! Huge, though. I didn't see the whole thing.

After this photo he ran almost to my feet!
But he was off before I could zoom out.

There was a 'buggy push' for a charity or something.

At least I didn't go super tacky
and take a photo with me in it.

That was the queue to get into the Sherlock Holmes museum at 221B.
Obviously, I saved that for another day.

Not sure what this building was,
but there are some buses.

Anyway they're just a few snaps. As I said before I didn't go far or see very much, but I'm here for a year. I can space it out. Being on foot is fun and not at all stressful - I never got lost. But it's tiring.

For next time I might book some tickets for Madame Tussauds (man, you should have seen THAT queue) and the zoo.

Not much more to say, really. I miss home awfully. The people at the local church are very friendly but I'm still waiting to see younger people... away for Bank Holiday Monday, I presume. They had a visiting preacher now that they are in vacancy. I went along and couldn't help thinking that I could change everything but that's pretty stupid - I have a lot to fix up myself. I don't remember why I left home but I hope one day I'll be really glad that I did.

I burnt myself on the oven rack,
but it'd be fine if you thought tiger.

Can I also just say that arranging photos in a post is like arranging sheep on a road. Don't blame me if it looks bad.

I saw a squirrel

Hmm, so that last post was a bit mental. I didn't reread and edit it like I should have, so that's just raw produce from the thinking factory. Here's some more...

Well I've been meandering along wishing I had a buddy my own age. When I step out of the house I see parents, kids and old people. Sometimes, when a girl under thirty without a pram walks by, I want to grab her by the shoulders and say: "You DO exist in this town!" Or a man who isn't grey haired or slouching passes me on the path I think to myself "So it's not a soccer-mum-bmw-retirement-home-bus-stop pocket of the world after all! NB: That is a grotesque generalisation of my image of my village so far.

A quaint bin

When I was stepping out of the post office today after these thoughts had been eeling through my head for a while, I saw a girl who I'd seen before going through the nursery at pick up time. She was early twenties, tall, really pretty, and snippets that I'd heard of her accent sounded European. She was jogging along and stepped beside me to say hello. (Man, if I was a guy you would read this paragraph so differently!) Anyway we're two somewhat alienised Au Pairs and I don't know why God would want to do good things for me but there you go. I wanted a friend and here's a really nice Italian girl who is here till September. I saw another squirrel today and the sun even came out this morning - for a bit. Though it hardly climbed above 8 degrees all day and rained at lunch, time I'm not losing hope. When the "get on a plane and go home" thought comes along, which it does occasionally, it's always snuffled with "you would regret that forever, but this is going to be really good for you in pleasant and unpleasant ways." (The funny thing about a thought, though, is that when you think it you don't have to construct it into a sentence, and so I read that and think it's part of some lame scientist-villain's monologue and now I'm hearing his annoying nasal voice and imagining I'm strapped to a dentist chair. Cool. Any suggestions for a better word than "pleasant" would be welcome.)

At Heathrow Airport after I got off the plane, there's a lot of walking to do and I passed a toilet block but I went into the one just before the UK border (the bit where you line up and show your passport). To look "my best" for my new host family I was about to meet, I redid my hair and brushed my teeth, I put some deodorant on and then looked in the mirror and said something like "OK. Let's go live the rest of my life!"
I think (hopefully) I'm understanding and gaining the overlapping distinction between needing your family and loving your family. I have needed my family for perhaps more than I even realise now, but with them so far away and tricky to talk to it makes you do stuff on your own. What I mean is, I'm doing that last bit of growing up. I think. I always worry that there's so much I don't know about being older... Oh wait, that's not something to worry about, really, is it. If I knew everything I'd be dead or wish I was.

Enough philosophy!
OK, to be honest, I'm sort of scared that all this "I'm cool with it" business and 'coping well' is a facade, and really deep down everything is an imminent explosion of panic, sadness, insecurity and, well, not being well. It's hard to know. But maybe I am just big enough to handle it - most of it - with what I've got. I guess I've come at the right time.

Now really, onto lighter things!
Here's a photo of the view from my window...

It was a really sunny day that day. The buildings look kind of boring in this picture, but really they're lovely. Mostly unique, too. I love the ones with wisteria growing around the windows. The whole street is lined with blossom trees and there's a classic red post box opposite our house. Not that we don't have them in Australia, but it gives it that touch, you know? It's a very wealthy area. I'm enough of an outsider being Aussie, but my oh my, I can just imagine the looks I'd get driving Theodore (my '98 camry) around with his usual dust coat. I'm even thinking about buying a hair straightener!?! Oh dear.

The music taste of Little Man (not that I ever call him that, he's nearly 10, but for want of a better code name I'll stick to it) is 1960 - 1990 rock, mostly, so we like to talk about U2 and The Rolling Stones, and he also loves The Police and ACDC. That Gotye song is a favourite as well, and I've heard it on the radio 3 times now. He plays a bit of guitar and piano and is happiest when he's being helpful - but sometimes a little over enthusiastic with peeling carrot!

Shaun Tan dandelion bud

There was something else I wanted to say but I can't remember what, so I'll finish with some more pictures. Yes, I like flowers and trees and quirky village stuff - if you want Big Ben you can google it. Daisies grow in the sunny parts but bluebells grow everywhere, wild all along the river. The other day Little Miss and I went for a walk. It's shady and lush and a little purple or white bunch of bluebells is so enchanting. If fairies weren't thought of yet, you'd certainly envisage them (or yourself as one) in this place.

Me and Little Miss

Daisies!

My new host family picked me up from the airport (it was about 9pm local time) and drove me to my new home. I have felt so welcomed from the very start by everyone - the kids are fantastic and we're buddies already, and I feel comfortable and, well, 'at home' in the house too. I managed to sleep most of that night, but I guess that's not surprising since I'd only had 4 hours or so in the last two days. Literally. (Thanks to those people who texted late Friday night, but I really did wish I'd put my phone on silent... still love ya!)

The next day, Sunday, I woke up quite early but I lay in bed and had that long-anticipated leaving-home cry. I read an unopened letter from my mum and a handbook from my au pair agency on how to deal with homesickness and I just sobbed. It surfaced a bit throughout the day but I'm good now. I was feeling bad before I left that I wasn't crying when saying my goodbyes - so now you can happily know that mine just came late. I finished unpacking which was really helpful psychologically, and had tea and toast. After some chatting and being shown around the house properly we went "into the village." This doesn't really make sense to an Aussie, you're thinking 'huh? I thought you were in London?' But I think it's like your suburb is your community, with a row of shops like a nicer Uralla and pretty much all you'd need week by week, and "town" is London-London: the city bit. Or the next suburb might have department stores and such if you need a new phone or clothes.

Anyway the "village" is just lovely. I'll take some pictures of the streets tomorrow and post them but they're not going to do it justice - it is so much prettier than I ever imagined and street viewed. There's a little river that runs behind our house... yes! A river! Think really really green grass with daisies (daisies everywhere! on the roadside! made a daisy chain today with real daisies not clover..!) and big green trees overhanging with blossoms blowing everywhere and a little wooden bridge.

There's a nice park too and a lake down the road surrounded by woodland with a fake beach. We went there for a festival type thing, which was a bit like a market and a fete but less commercial and more... folky. There was Morris Dancing - see photo - and if I had have known it was called that before, I would have got the joke "Which one's Morris?" Haha. There was a barbeque, which I called a sausage sizzle, and found that that's not a widely used phrase here... It was kinda surreal to hear accents everywhere, and people just look English. Not in the way they dress but their faces. I dunno. Saw a bunch (I think there were five) of teenage fellas walk out of a store and one of them had a granny cardigan and I nearly laughed out loud. You can see in the photo the grey sky - it rained as we were leaving - but we've actually had some nice sun and we played on the trampoline today. People have said it's unusually cold for May, probably a good thing for me though or I'd think too highly of England too soon...!
I love this area, though; and my house and room are so nice.

It's 9:09pm but still not pitch black - kind of that grey where you've got your headlights on and decided to leave the clothes on the line overnight and you can't really tell who it is walking down the street but the window's still blue not black. I'm going to wrap up here because I just want to show some pretty pictures of the place next.

I was listening to the BBC radio and heard an ad for the finale of Doctor Who this week, but I forgot to keep watching after episode 2 - I feel like a bit of a wally!