Without the Rave

Well, I've seen the end of boredom. It's here. My course content is now available online so I can get cracking with it! Hooray!

I really miss my family at the moment. And I often wish I was at home so I could be with my Aussie friends. But I realised today that I'm scared that their lives will go forward and in a year or so too much will have changed. So many getting married! So many moving away! I want to be there now, and enjoy it how it is now, but I definitely also want to be here now, with these people, and sometimes I feel like I have to decide who I love more. How silly. But it's hard.

Oh and the money-from-the-government thing is a no-go. Ah well. At least my computer is working!

I'm stressed about being jobless and I'm losing faith on that front. What can I do? I need a job. Stress is rotten. I don't feel it all that much (usually my body deals with pressure by exerting it through an allergenic/infectious reaction), but even when I do it's not all that bad. So I really feel for people who have super stressful jobs or lives because it's so encumbering. When I was deciding whether or not to leave my last "job" I literally couldn't go a minute without the weight of the decision pressing down on me. Oh, you say, wait till you're a teacher... Hmm yeah. We'll cross that bridge after we've had a bit of a picnic.

I listened to some Mark Driscoll sermons. I never thought I would say that, because a) I never did like Mark Driscoll (until now), and b) I never listen to sermons online; but I found them really, really intriguing. I had a prejudiced and ill-informed opinion of Driscoll: that he was pompous and aggressive, but I really took to his frankness and his funniness. He doesn't mess about. I think that sometimes he gets carried away with being so avant-guarde but I appreciated what he had to say. Here's the link http://marshill.com/media/vintagejesus

And thanks to a wise woman who told me to watch the one on the resurrection - when was it - this time last year? Or earlier? I never did until now. But I'm glad I have. Thanks.

I get annoyed when people worship preachers like Driscoll or Piper or [drop another name here] as though it's their amazing wisdom that is saving the world. Yes, some people have brilliant brains and a unique knack for explaining things, but they're only human and they still do a poo. (I stole that from a lady who gave one of the many inspirational talks you're fed in high school. She was talking about 'the cool kids' and she said "when you're thinking about how great they are, just remember that they still do a poo." Cracked me up then, and I still use the technique sometimes. Never fails to entertain.)

And another thing: this one I stole from a good friend. She said to me "I think it's terrible how people [in church] feel that they have to leave... in order to step down from positions in the church" and I said "Who in particular?" and she said "Well, you..."
It's the truth. I know people who have got so busy with ministry, they burnt out, then left; and if they were anything like me, it was partly because you felt like people knew you as Jess-the-very-involved and now that you were just a shell of a person and couldn't be everything people expected of you, you had to go. I think that coming to London has been really, really good for me, and I'm so lucky I've fallen into a great church community, (well luck has nothing to do with it if there's a God), but it's a shame about the circumstances that lead me here. I believe I was in leadership too young. Too young as a Christian and too young as a person. I loved it, and I learnt a lot from it - more than that, I wouldn't be who I am if I had never been on the youth group team - but in hindsight I can see that I needed a lot more maturity and life experience than I had before I could take on that role.
Anyway, they're just my thoughts and I'd be happy to talk to anyone who has any ideas or opinions of their own. I've had a good life so far and I'm not suggesting that anyone ever did me wrong. I just have a different view as to when I was a teenager. All those many years ago...

Thoughts From My Head

I still have no job. I had a pretty low moment last week after four local recruitment agencies turned me away on account of my lack of experience in office work which is apparently all they offer. But these things take time, people say, and I guess whatever needs to happen will happen when it's meant to.

Uni starts in less than three weeks! I have one textbook so far. I wrote my name in the front.

It's raining here.

I have moved into the newly decorated room of the house, and it is just divine. I'm in a brand new bed with swish squidgy carpet and whimsical wallpaper. I'm so spoiled.

I'm trying to get Centrelink to give me some money for studying, but it's never that simple, is it?

My computer is having issues. If you're a Mac user you'll know how important it is for the Finder application to work. Yeah, mine isn't responding. We'll see if a restart helps after this.

I have good friends. I have quite a number of wonderful friends who I can easily talk to all day about anything and everything. And I have lodged myself (pun intended) into the lives of such fantastic people here in London - not just my housies but everyone at my church.

Speaking of church, I've started reading Romans and I'm using a book called Search the Scriptures for an accompanying study. I didn't feel I was in the right place to go to the Sharing Jesus course that's being held at my church, but it's about time I got stuck into what God is about instead of farting around with my issues. I'm sick of fighting and moping and I just wanna come back. I'm reading Pilgrim's Progress which I'm thoroughly enjoying - I recommend it! But I don't think I would have understood it much earlier in my life. It requires a way of thinking that I probably wasn't open to as a legalistic and narrow-minded teenager. I think anyone could still benefit from it, though.

I think about next year quite often, but I never think beyond that. I think I'd like to move back to Armidale, but I can't really envisage anything further. I still want to go to South America some day to see a culture that's so different to rural New South Wales and my pocket of north west London, and I want to visit lots of other places besides, so I hope I won't do anything to prevent that opportunity. At the same time I don't want to get bored or restless or too comfortable when I'm back home. I say "when" intentionally, because despite what some of you may have said before I left, my heart has not been whisked away by an Englishman and though it makes me so, so sad to think I'll have to leave one day, it was only ever a two-year visa.

It does make me sad, though. I will miss catching the tube - I love the bit where everyone alights from the train together and walks towards the ticket barriers, I will miss the look of the houses and the ever-green grass, I will miss all the different accents. But most of all my friends who are almost a surrogate family. I love them.

Standing on the tip of the rabbit's fur, while doing not very much

Is anybody really that shocked to realise I've failed miserably at my one and only New Year's Resolution? Hey, it's alright. I only make goals with a short term benefit in mind so when my momentum fizzles out it usually means I've done enough.

I don't have a job yet. I'm going mad with boredom (but hanging around middle class British people makes me feel like I'm mad already by comparison). I guess I don't want to start anything else or commit to anything until I've got an income and a bit more of a routine (at the moment it's: eat, sleep, doddle around, repeat), but it would probably help to fill some time if I have another month or so. But by then...

I'm enrolled in the University of New England to study a Bachelor of Education (Primary) off-campus starting February 24th. All I need is to sort out my textbooks and I'm set to go! It's very exciting.

In the last few days I've picked up Housito's bass guitar and taught m'self some riiiiffffs. That's been fun. I listen to a lot of music all day which is nice. My week is full of Saturdays, and so I look forward to the weekend not because it's a time to relax, but because it's a time to get out and see people and do stuff. Having said that, I often leave my washing till Real Saturday anyway. Oh well.
I do make myself somewhat useful during the week. The post office folk must think I run a shop on eBay for how often I'm in there. I'm an unofficial PA, and I love it because it makes me feel helpful.

Where am I at with life thoughts? I wish I knew. I get myself into knots over my questions and I've been trying to figure it all out thinking that if I did that I'd be able to have faith again, but I guess that makes me God, doesn't it. I'm a principled and proud person, so I could never push all my issues aside and "be Christian" again just to be at peace. It wouldn't be true peace, and it would be for the wrong reasons. At the moment I don't love God because I find it hard to believe that he is good, and I couldn't pretend to love him until I got stuff sorted. I don't know if that makes sense in words.
But as I go along and put together my minipiphanies (mini epiphanies), things become better. I realise that that's giving myself credit for understanding the world - oh clever me - so maybe it's God revealing stuff to me and allowing me to learn things. An example would be, for instance, that if God isn't real then love and evil are arbitrary and what does it matter if I'm doing something with selfish or false motivation. So I may as well hope that God is real, and is good. And the other day I thought to myself "if God isn't loving, where does love come from?" Our pastor talked about being a slave last Sunday, and I wondered what my master is at the moment. Broadly speaking it's my sinful nature, but more specifically, is one of them philosophy? Yes, that sounds pretentious, but perhaps the devil has me wrapped up in obsessing over how to make sense of God and the world so as to blind me from the simple message of the gospel (well maybe not simple, but sufficient). Even as I write this I feel detached from it all. For ages I blamed it on the meds (not long till I'm finished! hanging out for a normal metabolism again..!), but it's people like my dad who bring me down to the earth again and basically say - in kinder words - "you don't want to accept that you need God." I guess that's why I'm trying to understand everything on my own. How many times have I contradicted myself? My entire life is a contradiction I guess. One could say "at least you're honest" - but it has been too long. Is it God holding out on me, or is it me hesitating because of my pride? Does it matter? I don't want to live like this forever.

That's all I'm going to write for now.

When trivial goes deep

Well, would you like to hear about my day so far?
I woke up, I "talked" (on facebook & snapchat) to a good friend about girly problems, I got up, I went to the toilet, I had breakfast, all the while still talking to this lovely friend of mine, I pumped some tunes, finished unpacking from the other day, had a shower, friend of mine went to bed (she's in Aus) but there are always people to talk to i.e. English friend, finished this job application which was EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING and STRESSFUL due to technical failures of the website which meant I had to keep doing it over and over again and so there was a little too much yelling and swearing and deep breathing which upgraded to praying and that was when the submission went through. Hurray! I then had lunch (pasta) and washed up while still enjoying the tunes, then Housito came home and that was the first human I had encountered in person all day, we exchanged greetings and now I am in my room again listening to music and on my computer. Oh I did some washing at some point in there too, after the shower. I've been hoping to hear back from UNE about my course but no luck yet. After 9pm tonight I will call the Optus people in Australia to end my contract which I have been meaning to do for months. It would be nice if I didn't have to pay the last bill... I have no dollars left. I just checked my English bank account, and though I'm fine, there's a lot less than there was before the wedding visit and so I'm really wanting a job soon. But mostly I want a job so that I won't be so bored and hermitish. Later I might watch some Miranda.

I had this thought earlier today: that it would be awful to know your own future, because if you did you would probably be unhappy about what would happen so you'd do something else, but if you did that you still wouldn't be satisfied so you'd never be glad about what takes place. Either that or you'd just see what was going to happen and you'd have no choice and just have to watch yourself mess up and make bad decisions or have to let stuff into your life that you knew was going to be bad later on. Most of the time I like not knowing what's "around the river bend," because I'm not in control anyway so why bother planning too much?

My New Years Resolution

I loathe the title, because it is so typical; but I actually have one that I might even keep this year. Remember how I said I'd write every day? Yeah well that didn't happen.

But that was 2013!

Oh yes, I will find a new sense of discipline and productivity, and find more and more fresh and exciting ways to open up about life as I live it, and release my introspection in waves of gleaming librettos...
...with lots of help from my good friend Thesaurus.

Happy new year everybody. But if your year ahead isn't going to be a particularly joyous one, that doesn't matter. I hope it will be GOOD. Life can be good without being happy all the time. We learn and grow from the hard times. I've been thinking about my depression lately, as I'm coming off medication at the moment, and I've always held that the disease will always be with me and could strike again at any time. Of course I don't want it to come back, but if I was becoming too selfish, proud and complacent then maybe another round would do me good (in a hard way). I know that seems twisted, but I know who I was three years ago; and I can't imagine myself without the black dog having been in my life.

On that note, go and punch your way through that wall of fear that's trying to keep you from getting hurt. Better things come from reaching out, than sitting and waiting. I'm preaching to myself here: it's so easy to not bother applying for jobs because I'm doubtful I'll get them. But (and here's my teacher voice) I'm not going to get one if I don't try. Come on, Jess!

Wow, who knew I could be so patronisingly inspirational?

Smattering

It's almost Christmas and it is not snowing, but absolutely miserably grey and windy and wet.

I haven't been writing because I don't feel that much has happened, but actually I know that my mind never stays the same for a day and I'm always examining myself and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. Perhaps I should make myself write every day. A new years resolution? But I'll start early while I have the yes-let's-do-it. Don't worry, I won't publish anything I don't feel is worthy.

I had a lovely few days with my Aussie friend. We went to Camden Town (markets) on Saturday and then the Natural History Museum which is stuffed with taxidermy animals (pun intended). Birds! I love birds. Over lunch we had a good old d&m about life and God, and that was great. She came to church in the morning and the carols service at night. And now it's my turn to have a quick trip to Paris! One day...!

I didn't get that interview for the job I really wanted. I'm actually not as disappointed as I might have been. I wasn't very confident in the first place so I guess it's no surprise and so easy to bear... That sounds a bit despairing. Yes I really want to be a teachers assistant before I can be a real teacher, but maybe I just have to get something else in the mean time like live-out nannying or... McDonalds. Please, no. Not maccas.
The next thing I have to do is enroll myself back in university and change my course to Primary Ed.

...

Half an hour ago I opened a new tab to figure out student loans and HECS and distance study and all that kind of thing, and I'm still at it, so this is me signing off. Till tomorrow.

What happens when I don't have a post plan

I know, that last post was disappointingly short. Oh, the irony.
Perhaps I will dwell on the weather, or my latest TV interests. Whinge about the fact that it is only snowing on the ad breaks, and for the happy families of Tesco customers. Britain loves Christmas! So unashamedly! Maybe it's just my family, but I always thought everyone felt that carols, Santa, trees, and fake snow were hateful things that could only be (barely) tolerated in December. OK that's an exaggeration. But maybe it's because it's home to the white Christmas (is it?). And Charles Dickens. Anyway, I'm with the right people in order to do the proper English thing. Even carol singing! Perhaps I should buy a white hand muff.

Needless to say, it's cold here. Not bitterly. And I like my coat. But the afternoons! They are four hours long. Then it's dark. That's right, close the curtains and turn on the lights. After you've seen the squirrel climb up the house to chill in the loft. Squirrels have this speedy but graceful way of swimming along the ground. Kind of like a mermaid would, but with more bounce and a bushier tail. I still haven't seen a badger or a hedgehog. But I have seen foxes.

And Facebook has taken over a bit, as I knew it would. But if it means I can keep up with even a few of my much loved friends back home, then I don't care.

I am so happy here. I feel like I've been back much longer than a week. I don't love the job hunting process, but it's just one of those things.
This might not come as much of a surprise, though it is a shame. Since my big update I haven't come very far with God. I haven't had one quiet time or done anything out of the ordinary except sing. But I just keep asking God to help me. I know I need to just knuckle down and get into it, instead of sit around waiting for a big enormous indescribable feeling or a shiny cloud to show me what I need to know (which is what I've been doing for years). But the devil still has so much power over my thoughts. "You're just wanting to be Christian again for security. You still don't believe in God, but you want to because your favourite people do." And now I can't bring any other lies to mind, is that him shutting them off so I can't fight them? Or is it true, am I fake? Is God real?

I've had this thing lately where I want to get myself sorted and work through my whole life and deal with all the issues I've got by writing everything down, and so become a well-rounded all-figured-out person, with no baggage and no complexes... HELLO! Is that not the dumbest thing you've ever read? As if I could do that. As if I could recall all the crap one experiences and resolve it on my own and get on with life with no regrets or burdens. It's a nice thought, that I could be totally weightless in order to help others and give infinitely, and make the perfect friend and maybe even wife one day...

...All my Christian friends be like: "Um, Jess? Have you forgotten everything you learnt in church? Jesus does that FOR us! Bit by bit, of course, and we won't be perfect until we reach heaven, but you know that you ought to just lay it all before him and he'll sort it!"

Oh yeah. Man, God must be mighty patient.