For the worriers.

I'm at heathrow airport waiting for my gate to open. My flight takes off at 8:20pm London time. After that, I won't be using my UK mobile number - so no viber or Whatsapp. When I get to Sydney I'll put my oldAustralian SIM card in my phone and hopefully it will work! I'll try and keep updates coming on Facebook. Don't freak out if I haven't posted before Friday morning, it just means I'm out of battery or data on my phone. My auntie is meeting me at Sydney airport at 8am which will be lovely!! I'm feeling far more relaxed than I was a few hours ago. It's happening! I'm coming home.

New chapter

Be more honest.
That is the message of the week. I have had so many people thank me for sharing my struggles, and I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. Be more honest! Be real.

Well, I've finished up as an Au Pair (a day earlier than I originally thought). It was sad to say goodbye. I moved everything out and I've shoved it in my new cupboard... in my new home!! So exciting! I'll be staying here tonight and then tomorrow it's off to Heathrow for the start of a 29 hour journey. 1:20pm is when I'm landing in Armidale! And I changed my flight back, so now I'm staying in town until Wednesday the 20th of November. And THEN it will be furious job hunting! Life ahead is looking good.

THE BIG UPDATE

There is SO MUCH emotion in me that as I begin to write my brain probably looks like a thousand miniature Van de Graaf generators being shaken around in an upturned bowl of jelly. There is no way I could cover everything that has happened in the last few months and my reactions to it all. If you want a nice, neat summary... go away. But seriously, unless you know me well and care about my life, you're probably wasting your time reading this. Enjoy!

Where to start?

OK, so my last few posts have been quite mysterious and most likely a bit frustrating. I really am sorry! Boy, I have wished that I could just have a good old rant, but it's the world wide web. People's lives can't be strung up all over it like reeds on a submerged shopping trolley. Not nice.
Well, a week and a half ago I gave notice the family I'm with. It was indeed the hardest decision I've ever made in my life, and it tore me up and stressed me out for a long time. I'm still not fully at peace but I hope I will be soon. I feel sad, and guilty, and scared, and I feel like a failure and the worst human being to ever make a promise, but I believe it is for the best, and it was the right decision.
This is the really cool part: my church family. I cannot use mere words to tell you how grateful I am for the love they have. You see, I wasn't ready to come back to Australia for good. It was the only other option, really, that I had to go with if I were to decide to leave this position, since I didn't particularly want to go to another family. One day I was expressing these very thoughts to a lovely couple at my church... and then whatdya know, a week later I've claimed their spare room. I'm not there yet but I will be when I get back from Aus! I don't know how I can express just how thankful I am for their incredible kindness - imagine, some girl from the other side of the world walking in the church doors, and five months later you're opening up your house to her. I am completely astounded by their willingness to help me! They're fantastic people, and I am really, really looking forward to getting to know them even better. Praise God! He answered our prayers in a way that I couldn't have dreamt of. So then I will need to find another job. I think I want to do something quite different this time. Anything will do, really. I've got savings for now so I'm OK, but if things don't go well I might come home after all. Call me crazy, but I never did have a year-by-year plan for my life anyway.

I've noticed that all too often I write a sentence (or question), and then I put a comma and a conjunction and write another clause. Maybe I should just go with my natural rhythm and try not to edit them out too much, but is it annoying? Have you noticed it, or have you blissfully read on up until this point and thought "oh gee what is she talking about?" Maybe it's the linguist in me, but I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. A lot of the time I'm all too proud, and I'm coming to accept that have ridiculously high expectations of myself.

(OK Jess you really overdid it there. No one is going to think that was clever. Now you're having to point out the irony. Totally killed it. Way to go all Monty Python in a not-very-funny post.)

I don't know how many times I've edited this post (and you left in that paragraph about grammar?!), but even now I'm hesitant to publish. It's so hard to be honest and careful at the same time. You know me - my heart could be my sleeve. But some things just happen and we have to deal with it as best we can and move on without making a scene. Right now I'm such a muddle of guilt, regret, frustration, fear, sadness, gratitude and joy... and there's nothing I can do but keep- (DON'T even think it. I'm not British enough for that tiresome cliché.)

The other big news requires some back story. This is scary for me to write. I'm just going to have to be very succinct, I'm afraid. But feel free to ask me anything if you want to! I hope this isn't inappropriate sharing, and I hope no one is hurt by it's up-until-recent concealment. Um, really, if we're not that close you won't want to read this.

Basically, I've been struggling as a Christian for years. I've had depression since I was twelve, but after I finished school for a long time it was quite constant. When doubts about faith and God and stuff first sprang into my mind (at the end of 2010) I found it really hard to fight them off as well as fighting off the lies and pain that are drip-fed by the black dog (depression). As one got worse so did the other, and though I tried to work it out I never seemed to have it right. It was like things were falling out of my life and God was sitting back watching as I sunk further away from joy and love. Eventually I lost faith in him, and had to stop doing "Christian" things. Leaving the youth group team at the end of last year crushed me, but I was already so burnt out (for the second time) and angry I knew I had no choice. I stopped singing, taking communion, praying, everything. I could no longer call myself a believer. I hated God.

But I felt as though everyone (except those I was truly honest with) still saw me as a solid servant of Jesus. I would have been so sad to leave church and let so many people down, I already felt bad enough. So I came to England, hoping that I would find God over here and sort myself out... but there is no quick-fix solution. A month ago I thought I had come to the point where I would never be able to turn back and that was really scary. For the last couple of years I have lived with my family as the most important thing in my life, but not sharing their love for God and knowing I would be alone when they die, well, it's awful. But I could also feel my heart softening and my thinking starting to be less tainted by bitterness. How could it not soften, with the amazing goodness I've been shown just recently? Church here has been the highlight of my week - spending time with a shining community of believers. I love St Marks, of course, but because of my struggles I found it so, so, so hard. I used to cry after most services as I walked to my car. Many times beforehand as well. DON'T WORRY! There's good news a-comin'.

A few Sundays ago, we sang In Christ Alone at the morning service. And in a tiny voice I croaked along. I actually sang. In church. I hadn't done that for a whole year. I started praying (actually praying!!) that God would help me in my unbelief. And then last Thursday morning, as I was getting dressed, I decided that I wanted to believe in God again. I want to believe fully that he is good, and loving, and involved, and cares, and that the cross was enough to pay for the sins of the world. And this morning at church the first song was In Christ Alone. I sang it. I didn't belt it out but I sang it. I'm still praying that God will help my unbelief, because there is a lot of mess to get through, but I'm back. I'm hid in Christ. Hopefully!

How are you feeling, a bit drenched in heart-puss? (I just made up that term.) Yeah, well, I did tell ya. And, though it should be quite obvious: I'm going to be a tired, emotionally drained, jet lagged, overwhelmed, happy-beyond-words, guilt stricken, t dropping, untanned, crazy as always version of myself, so be warned! Oh man, I can't wait!!

Not Quite News

Updates are definitely getting few and far between. This is not because nothing is happening, quite the opposite in fact. It's because what's been happening is not exactly exciting adventure news... And I still can't really write everything I wish I could, as it's not really public knowledge.

I know, I'm sorry! I hate being vague! I'm doing OK. I've had an awful time trying to decide what to do about my situation (I suspect that the nausea and tiredness had more to do with that than the medication did); and having come to a decision I have peace, but also a lot of guilt and dread and sadness. I will fill in the gaps one day, but it's all a bit delicate right now. Just to reaffirm: I am fine. I'm not sick, or in danger, or in trouble.

On the bright side, I love church more than ever and I'm so grateful for the fantastic people there. I know that sounds so corny, but I honestly wonder where I'd be without their genuine love and kindness, and how I would spend my weekend if I didn't have such fun and easy-going friends! Having Facebook back has constantly reminded me how much I miss my friends back home, of course, and I can't wait to see you all in less than two weeks!

It's raining here, and everybody has been talking about the oncoming storm that's meant to be the biggest in two years! I love wearing my coat. It's so thick and heavy and it has toggles. Apparently "togs" (swimmers if you're a Queenslander) is a measurement of how warm your duvet is. Never knew this. Also, "flip them the bird" is not an expression used here. Neither is "say what?" That always gets a good laugh.

Title

Right so it has been a while since my last post. Apologies! I actually wrote a very short one the other day, but I've just checked my phone and the publishing failed. Oops.

It's three weeks until I will be in Armidale! Wow. That's crazy.
Things are tricky here. Tricky is a mild word. Hard would be a better term, but it's so overused and quite vague. I'm having to make a BIG LIFE DECISION in the next couple of weeks (um, no, I'm not dating/pregnant/wanting plastic surgery) and it is stressing me out. Sorry I can't really write more details.

On a positive note, the side effects have mostly ceased. I don't wake up feeling sick anymore. That may also be because of circumstantial changes. Mum and I suspect that the new medication was doing wacky stuff to my metabolism (I get really full on much less than usual then I'm starving two hours later, also lost some weight). Now instead of taking it after I wake up, I make sure I've had breakfast first. I'm not a doctor, but the doctor who gave it to me didn't really give me much guidance so hopefully I'm doing the right thing.
Also, I've started the couch to 5k jogging program... I know, you're shocked right? So not me. But I'm really enjoying it!

As usual, I'm loving church. The students are here (term started in Septemper) and people are just so lovely. I've also been going to a home group (which Little Man called 'church group' 'church box' and 'smart box') which is great. We're going through a book called Search the Scriptures, and we're in Matthew at the moment. Parables - not as simple as they seem!

I'm reading over what I've written and it is actually quite positive! I've been doing SO MUCH whining and deliberating in the last week especially, that I was assuming it would be more of that. It's funny how we switch our thinking when we're limited by what we can say.
If you're the praying type, I need wisdom. WISDOM. I need to make the right decision, because what I do will affect me and other people too. Sorry again that you don't have the whole story. Well some people do. Like Mum and Dad. Good old folks, always there when you need 'em. Except when it's 3am in Australia and they're not signed in to Skype. But hey. I know they love me.

Gut Feelings

I'm really fretting about my home visit. I've said before that I'm worried I'll just cry the whole entire week... A few days is barely enough to even hug my family. I'll be so incredibly tired and rocked. I'm scared I won't want to come back; but at the same time the thought that I'll have to leave this part of the world behind one day makes me really sad. I've grown attached to my London. Well, the people here. Not so much the city. But I will miss the tube. And the variety of accents.

It's not that I'm not excited. I am. I cannot wait for the wedding! It's going to be amazing, and if I cry there it will be for joy. I can't wait to see my family and friends and wake up to magpies singing and see how my garden has grown (OK so maybe it's not my garden) and to go to St Marks and see all the beautiful kids who have probably grown a few inches taller by now. But I could crash and burn (either when I'm back in London or on the plane - literally). It could make me even more indecisive about what to do next year.

I'll have to say goodbye all over again.
That's going to be really, really hard.

I've been feeling pretty rotten for the last two weeks because I'm in the process of changing medication. It's making me even more tired than usual and I'm waking up feeling hungry and nauseous at the same time. Of course, that really saps my supply of patience and anybody knows that getting kids ready for school in the morning can be a bit of an ordeal. I'm going to try my hardest to get to bed early every night I can, and hope that these side effects will go away. Waking up to the prospect of the stress of the morning doesn't help. I need to get more things going during the day: things I can look forward to. I had coffee with a friend yesterday which was real nice; and though it was only an hour, having to go out and get the tube and having a nice conversation with a peer (!!) was really worthwhile. It's funny how you can feel less tired if you've been occupied for a lot of the day than if you sat around not doing much.

So that's a little of where I'm at right now. There is a heck of a lot more I could write, but not here. Besides, I feel like I've talked a lot of things out with a lot of people but haven't got as far as dealing with anything, because I still don't know what can be done. What can be done? I'm not Wonder Woman. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not cut out for this. I'm not a parent. But maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It's not my fault things are the way they are, but am I helping? I don't know what to do.

That autumn feel

You know that crisp, leafy smell that comes on the wind after summer ends? In Armidale you get it on clear blue sky days when the cold bites your ears. Here, though, you only catch it occasionally because everything's wet most of the time. It's cloudy and drizzly and it's great. I love the cold - and it's not cold enough here yet. Summer is definitely my least favourite season.

Unfortunately the lack of sunshine means the brilliant reds didn't come out so well in this photo and one of another tree, but I thought I'd share anyway. Note well: you saw it here first. Not on other social media.