This Saturday I'm going to Wales with a group from church:
http://wordaliveevent.org/
I'm really, really, really excited.
Another cool thing is this week I submitted an assignment several hours early. So that was a big achievement. I ate most of a box of chocolate fingers while I waited for the submission page to load, and there was some not-so-good language while the stress mounted. But as long as I pass it was all worth it.
I'm down to two days a week at work, that will last until the beginning of May. So I'll start looking for another job again when I get back from Word Alive.
Ugh such boring talk.
Want some raw thoughts?
I've had deep chats about predestination, once saved always saved, free will and all that kind of thing lately. It comes up at home group sometimes and I can't let it be because I can't understand it enough to love God. It's a barrier. Is it my barrier? Dunno. I don't want to live in a world where there's no God - that's a horrifying thought because then love, good & evil, and purpose: they're all made up concepts and don't really exist. I also don't want to live with my allegiance with the devil by default. I don't like that he has power over me and can trick and trap me. If he's real that's definitely what he has been doing. Yes, they're my thoughts and arguments, and yes, my depression was an illness, but boy did he take advantage. I still wish God had done more to stop it, but somebody said to me on the weekend that maybe I have to go through these questions for a reason. Though to me it has always made God look too weak or indifferent to save me - that the depression and doubt was bigger than him.
Nobody believes that I might not actually be a Christian. I don't know if I am one. Was I one and did I lose my faith, and can I get it back; was I never one and can I ever have faith; was I always a Christian but I'm just going through a dark stage right now... for the last three and a half years... If I die I don't know what will happen to me.
You might say "it's not about you creating faith from something within yourself, it comes from God" and I would say "ER HEY GOD WHERE THE HECK IS MY FAITH THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL THIS TIME?!" after I had blasted you with calling and free will confusion. Then you would say "You have to chose to have faith in God" - Well golly, I can't chose to have faith until I have faith in God. And I can't have faith in God until he sends his Spirit to change me. God is just a big meanie. I have asked him. I have. But I don't know what's true anymore.
So I'm stuck in a really miserable place of worrying that I'll never be a Christian but never live a fulfilling life without some kind of bigger purpose than myself... This is not new, I've just boiled down my issues a bit more. Sometimes I think I'm making small steps of progress but I'm never gonna get far enough to believe that what God does is loving. All you Christians are thinking "UGH IT'S SO OBVIOUS" and I'm like "Dude, you've got the Spirit. Talk to me again when you feel like God has deserted you and left you to mull over it for eternity."
How did you start this post excited about a Christian conference and then end it... like that (cursing the Holy Spirit? Am I doomed forever?), you ask?
Welcome to the contradictory, hypocritical, selfish, inconsistent lie that is my life. Thanks for stopping by.
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
The Path Not Taken
A path diverged in local Brent,
Before Boston Manor, my station that night
On one track trudged an older gent
Who took with him a most unpleasant scent -
He chose the pathway on my right;
Then on the left side, just as fair,
(Though allowing for better view of the track)
A happy couple skipped along there:
Into each other's eyes they could not but stare,
And nothing did they seem to lack.
Both paths that evening equally lay
As concrete, caked in dirt and gum
Oh, I kept the left for another day!
For I could hold my breath a little way,
And not disturb the blissful young.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two paths diverged near Chiswick, and I—
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
For the original poem visit http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/173536
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Year Plans
I'm pretty sure most people are aware, but here's a public update just in case:
I'm going to be in Australia for the month of November 2014, that's a definite. There are at least 3 weddings I'm going to which is very exciting and also a bit crazy.
The indefinite aspect is whether or not I will return to the UK after that. At the moment I can see that it would make sense to stay in Armidale at the end of the year and settle there for a while, since my visa will end in May 2015 anyway. I miss my Aussie family and friends and the country, but the thought of leaving everyone in London gets harder every day - as does being away from my people back home! I'm finding it really hard at the moment to be torn between two homes...
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Overcast Day
You know those dreary days...
It's probably a bad idea to blog right now, but I'm bored.
I stayed up late last night finishing an assignment. I am very much a last minute person. I'm glad I'm doing uni, and I enjoy the readings when they're not a chore. I love writing but I not when it's on somebody else's words.
"Do you want to be a teacher?" I ask myself. "Yes." "Then you simply have to do this."
".........OK."
I'm almost at the end of Week 5 of 6 here in the office. The weeks themselves flew by, but the daaays draaaaaaag like stringy cheese on pizza in a bad way. There's horizontal rain outside. Lovely. I like the walk to the station in the evenings (it will clear up, yes it will) (oh that was thunder, oh dear) and even the tube ride is fun. It's great for people watching - guessing the job, the relationship status, the contentment in life... Maybe that last one is a bit weird. I love changing platforms without even thinking - like a pro - and watching London out the train window as the sun sets for the day. A few days ago I saw a builder man walking along the scaffolding several stories high, and I wooshed past with Paul Kelly in my ear. It was beautiful. It's a part of my London adventure that's once-in-a-lifetime type moment.
Still lovin' mah church. It's my family and my whole life over here. At the moment I'm finding it really hard to know I'm going to have to leave. Am I? Yes. I want to be at home too. It's hard. I'm homesick though I don't want to be yet, but of course I am because I miss my family and friends and sometimes I wonder if Australia is even any different to the UK.. are we even a nation of our own? And then I see a photo with a gum tree or I think about the days I used to go barefoot outside and hang with people who are capable of making fart jokes and I know I'll never be British. I feel kinda cooped up in the city. There's no where you can be where no one can see you. No rivers or paddocks (fields) or backyards out of earshot of anybody. I need to get out more...
See this is why I only write when I feel like it. Don't be disappointed when my posts are few and far between - the days I didn't write are the days I would have liked to have a right old moan about life. You've dodged yourself many bullets. Either that or I was too busy having a nice time to bother with condensing it into words.
It's probably a bad idea to blog right now, but I'm bored.
I stayed up late last night finishing an assignment. I am very much a last minute person. I'm glad I'm doing uni, and I enjoy the readings when they're not a chore. I love writing but I not when it's on somebody else's words.
"Do you want to be a teacher?" I ask myself. "Yes." "Then you simply have to do this."
".........OK."
I'm almost at the end of Week 5 of 6 here in the office. The weeks themselves flew by, but the daaays draaaaaaag like stringy cheese on pizza in a bad way. There's horizontal rain outside. Lovely. I like the walk to the station in the evenings (it will clear up, yes it will) (oh that was thunder, oh dear) and even the tube ride is fun. It's great for people watching - guessing the job, the relationship status, the contentment in life... Maybe that last one is a bit weird. I love changing platforms without even thinking - like a pro - and watching London out the train window as the sun sets for the day. A few days ago I saw a builder man walking along the scaffolding several stories high, and I wooshed past with Paul Kelly in my ear. It was beautiful. It's a part of my London adventure that's once-in-a-lifetime type moment.
Still lovin' mah church. It's my family and my whole life over here. At the moment I'm finding it really hard to know I'm going to have to leave. Am I? Yes. I want to be at home too. It's hard. I'm homesick though I don't want to be yet, but of course I am because I miss my family and friends and sometimes I wonder if Australia is even any different to the UK.. are we even a nation of our own? And then I see a photo with a gum tree or I think about the days I used to go barefoot outside and hang with people who are capable of making fart jokes and I know I'll never be British. I feel kinda cooped up in the city. There's no where you can be where no one can see you. No rivers or paddocks (fields) or backyards out of earshot of anybody. I need to get out more...
See this is why I only write when I feel like it. Don't be disappointed when my posts are few and far between - the days I didn't write are the days I would have liked to have a right old moan about life. You've dodged yourself many bullets. Either that or I was too busy having a nice time to bother with condensing it into words.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Houseboat!!
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| Such a cool way to live! The home of a lady at church. |
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| Standing on the roof was amazing. |
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
After Stonehenge
Oh golly I'm just going to crack on with it.
I got job, I started uni; basically I increased busyness by 500%. It's great. It took its toll on Sunday evening though (about halfway through the church service, thank you) when I hit the Peopled Out Point, but I went home and did the comfort food thing but instead of food it was music (I'm not a foodie). Months of nothing into double full time is a big shift to make and it's been fine other than that. My job is a temporary stint in an office. A huuuge office. I never, ever thought I would be doing a 75 minute rush hour commute by train and bus to a 12 story building to do numbers and money and spreadsheets all day. But hey! It's kinda cool to have landed it. When I say 'kinda cool,' I mean flipping awesome. This job couldn't have come any sooner - I was feeling pretty desperate about having no income - and I'm really grateful for it! It's the best pay I've ever had, too. When I say 'landed it,' I mean it fell into my lap. Housito (that's my housemate, the male one, in case you missed that explanation - Housita is my other housemate and she is female) needed a temp at work so I was the man. Girl. OK, so the work is dead boring, and totally not what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I will not complain!
There's a blow fly in my room. I didn't even know they existed in this country.. On that note, though, the weather is finally warming up. The other day I was outside and I rolled my sleeves up. It was amazing. I like the cold, to be sure, but winter is a lot longer here than in Armidale. And a LOT colder. The daffodils are out and daisies too - soon it will look like what it did when I first arrived! Now THAT'S a crazy thought.
Uni is good. I dropped a unit, which I'm not too fussed about. The workload was a bit much and sourcing textbooks hasn't been that easy. The content, however, I'm finding interesting and it's making more and more excited to be a teacher. Phew!
One thing coming up in my life is this conference, church is taking a group, and I'm well excited: http://wordaliveevent.org/
Another thing is... WEDDINGS! So many weddings. I think it's up to 10 engagements since I left. I started a list. Anyway, I'm coming back in November for at least three of them (!!) and at this point I'm thinking I will move back to Armidale (indefinitely) then, too. It's exciting and sad and homesickening all at once. I don't want to leave all my lovely friends here! But I do want to come home soon.
Anyhow, there is a lot to be done before I say goodbye to the UK. Like see Stonehenge.
I got job, I started uni; basically I increased busyness by 500%. It's great. It took its toll on Sunday evening though (about halfway through the church service, thank you) when I hit the Peopled Out Point, but I went home and did the comfort food thing but instead of food it was music (I'm not a foodie). Months of nothing into double full time is a big shift to make and it's been fine other than that. My job is a temporary stint in an office. A huuuge office. I never, ever thought I would be doing a 75 minute rush hour commute by train and bus to a 12 story building to do numbers and money and spreadsheets all day. But hey! It's kinda cool to have landed it. When I say 'kinda cool,' I mean flipping awesome. This job couldn't have come any sooner - I was feeling pretty desperate about having no income - and I'm really grateful for it! It's the best pay I've ever had, too. When I say 'landed it,' I mean it fell into my lap. Housito (that's my housemate, the male one, in case you missed that explanation - Housita is my other housemate and she is female) needed a temp at work so I was the man. Girl. OK, so the work is dead boring, and totally not what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I will not complain!
There's a blow fly in my room. I didn't even know they existed in this country.. On that note, though, the weather is finally warming up. The other day I was outside and I rolled my sleeves up. It was amazing. I like the cold, to be sure, but winter is a lot longer here than in Armidale. And a LOT colder. The daffodils are out and daisies too - soon it will look like what it did when I first arrived! Now THAT'S a crazy thought.
Uni is good. I dropped a unit, which I'm not too fussed about. The workload was a bit much and sourcing textbooks hasn't been that easy. The content, however, I'm finding interesting and it's making more and more excited to be a teacher. Phew!
One thing coming up in my life is this conference, church is taking a group, and I'm well excited: http://wordaliveevent.org/
Another thing is... WEDDINGS! So many weddings. I think it's up to 10 engagements since I left. I started a list. Anyway, I'm coming back in November for at least three of them (!!) and at this point I'm thinking I will move back to Armidale (indefinitely) then, too. It's exciting and sad and homesickening all at once. I don't want to leave all my lovely friends here! But I do want to come home soon.
Anyhow, there is a lot to be done before I say goodbye to the UK. Like see Stonehenge.
Monday, 10 February 2014
Without the Rave
Well, I've seen the end of boredom. It's here. My course content is now available online so I can get cracking with it! Hooray!
And another thing: this one I stole from a good friend. She said to me "I think it's terrible how people [in church] feel that they have to leave... in order to step down from positions in the church" and I said "Who in particular?" and she said "Well, you..."
It's the truth. I know people who have got so busy with ministry, they burnt out, then left; and if they were anything like me, it was partly because you felt like people knew you as Jess-the-very-involved and now that you were just a shell of a person and couldn't be everything people expected of you, you had to go. I think that coming to London has been really, really good for me, and I'm so lucky I've fallen into a great church community, (well luck has nothing to do with it if there's a God), but it's a shame about the circumstances that lead me here. I believe I was in leadership too young. Too young as a Christian and too young as a person. I loved it, and I learnt a lot from it - more than that, I wouldn't be who I am if I had never been on the youth group team - but in hindsight I can see that I needed a lot more maturity and life experience than I had before I could take on that role.
Anyway, they're just my thoughts and I'd be happy to talk to anyone who has any ideas or opinions of their own. I've had a good life so far and I'm not suggesting that anyone ever did me wrong. I just have a different view as to when I was a teenager. All those many years ago...
I really miss my family at the moment. And I often wish I was at home so I could be with my Aussie friends. But I realised today that I'm scared that their lives will go forward and in a year or so too much will have changed. So many getting married! So many moving away! I want to be there now, and enjoy it how it is now, but I definitely also want to be here now, with these people, and sometimes I feel like I have to decide who I love more. How silly. But it's hard.
Oh and the money-from-the-government thing is a no-go. Ah well. At least my computer is working!
I'm stressed about being jobless and I'm losing faith on that front. What can I do? I need a job. Stress is rotten. I don't feel it all that much (usually my body deals with pressure by exerting it through an allergenic/infectious reaction), but even when I do it's not all that bad. So I really feel for people who have super stressful jobs or lives because it's so encumbering. When I was deciding whether or not to leave my last "job" I literally couldn't go a minute without the weight of the decision pressing down on me. Oh, you say, wait till you're a teacher... Hmm yeah. We'll cross that bridge after we've had a bit of a picnic.
I listened to some Mark Driscoll sermons. I never thought I would say that, because a) I never did like Mark Driscoll (until now), and b) I never listen to sermons online; but I found them really, really intriguing. I had a prejudiced and ill-informed opinion of Driscoll: that he was pompous and aggressive, but I really took to his frankness and his funniness. He doesn't mess about. I think that sometimes he gets carried away with being so avant-guarde but I appreciated what he had to say. Here's the link http://marshill.com/media/vintagejesus
And thanks to a wise woman who told me to watch the one on the resurrection - when was it - this time last year? Or earlier? I never did until now. But I'm glad I have. Thanks.
I get annoyed when people worship preachers like Driscoll or Piper or [drop another name here] as though it's their amazing wisdom that is saving the world. Yes, some people have brilliant brains and a unique knack for explaining things, but they're only human and they still do a poo. (I stole that from a lady who gave one of the many inspirational talks you're fed in high school. She was talking about 'the cool kids' and she said "when you're thinking about how great they are, just remember that they still do a poo." Cracked me up then, and I still use the technique sometimes. Never fails to entertain.)
It's the truth. I know people who have got so busy with ministry, they burnt out, then left; and if they were anything like me, it was partly because you felt like people knew you as Jess-the-very-involved and now that you were just a shell of a person and couldn't be everything people expected of you, you had to go. I think that coming to London has been really, really good for me, and I'm so lucky I've fallen into a great church community, (well luck has nothing to do with it if there's a God), but it's a shame about the circumstances that lead me here. I believe I was in leadership too young. Too young as a Christian and too young as a person. I loved it, and I learnt a lot from it - more than that, I wouldn't be who I am if I had never been on the youth group team - but in hindsight I can see that I needed a lot more maturity and life experience than I had before I could take on that role.
Anyway, they're just my thoughts and I'd be happy to talk to anyone who has any ideas or opinions of their own. I've had a good life so far and I'm not suggesting that anyone ever did me wrong. I just have a different view as to when I was a teenager. All those many years ago...
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