Now I didn't write yesterday because I went to bed. It was a lovely day with a bunch of lovely people in central London - St Paul's and the Tate Modern. I will document it properly soon.
But right now, it's that strange Sunday interim between morning and afternoon service and instead of blobbing around I am going to delve into the murky fears and frustrations of my soul and figure out what it is I need to get straight with God and stuff. Believe me, I am scared to bits. I was thinking about this last night, that whenever I try and pray or read my bible or think over my questions I end up getting upset and only feel worse - like I'll never come to back to God because he's not what I want him to be and he's actually who I see him as right now: an indifferent, uncaring, possibly not even divine idea that seems to do good for some people but is heaven actually real and was Jesus' death enough and why do babies die and...........
So I've got me some brown paper, some floor space, a pen, and hopefully the headspace to be able to do it. Pray for me? Lord, help my unbelief? I don't want to do this, but I have to. I don't know if I can do it on my own. Oh stop procrastinating you drama queen!
And a shout out to my brave friend - you know who you are (though I don't know if you'll read this) - who has also decided to stop running from stuff in her life and actually deal with it. You inspire me. Thanks. If I can do it, you can too.
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