Is anybody really that shocked to realise I've failed miserably at my one and only New Year's Resolution? Hey, it's alright. I only make goals with a short term benefit in mind so when my momentum fizzles out it usually means I've done enough.
I don't have a job yet. I'm going mad with boredom (but hanging around middle class British people makes me feel like I'm mad already by comparison). I guess I don't want to start anything else or commit to anything until I've got an income and a bit more of a routine (at the moment it's: eat, sleep, doddle around, repeat), but it would probably help to fill some time if I have another month or so. But by then...
I'm enrolled in the University of New England to study a Bachelor of Education (Primary) off-campus starting February 24th. All I need is to sort out my textbooks and I'm set to go! It's very exciting.
In the last few days I've picked up Housito's bass guitar and taught m'self some riiiiffffs. That's been fun. I listen to a lot of music all day which is nice. My week is full of Saturdays, and so I look forward to the weekend not because it's a time to relax, but because it's a time to get out and see people and do stuff. Having said that, I often leave my washing till Real Saturday anyway. Oh well.
I do make myself somewhat useful during the week. The post office folk must think I run a shop on eBay for how often I'm in there. I'm an unofficial PA, and I love it because it makes me feel helpful.
Where am I at with life thoughts? I wish I knew. I get myself into knots over my questions and I've been trying to figure it all out thinking that if I did that I'd be able to have faith again, but I guess that makes me God, doesn't it. I'm a principled and proud person, so I could never push all my issues aside and "be Christian" again just to be at peace. It wouldn't be true peace, and it would be for the wrong reasons. At the moment I don't love God because I find it hard to believe that he is good, and I couldn't pretend to love him until I got stuff sorted. I don't know if that makes sense in words.
But as I go along and put together my minipiphanies (mini epiphanies), things become better. I realise that that's giving myself credit for understanding the world - oh clever me - so maybe it's God revealing stuff to me and allowing me to learn things. An example would be, for instance, that if God isn't real then love and evil are arbitrary and what does it matter if I'm doing something with selfish or false motivation. So I may as well hope that God is real, and is good. And the other day I thought to myself "if God isn't loving, where does love come from?" Our pastor talked about being a slave last Sunday, and I wondered what my master is at the moment. Broadly speaking it's my sinful nature, but more specifically, is one of them philosophy? Yes, that sounds pretentious, but perhaps the devil has me wrapped up in obsessing over how to make sense of God and the world so as to blind me from the simple message of the gospel (well maybe not simple, but sufficient). Even as I write this I feel detached from it all. For ages I blamed it on the meds (not long till I'm finished! hanging out for a normal metabolism again..!), but it's people like my dad who bring me down to the earth again and basically say - in kinder words - "you don't want to accept that you need God." I guess that's why I'm trying to understand everything on my own. How many times have I contradicted myself? My entire life is a contradiction I guess. One could say "at least you're honest" - but it has been too long. Is it God holding out on me, or is it me hesitating because of my pride? Does it matter? I don't want to live like this forever.
That's all I'm going to write for now.
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