Sweet & Quirky is not this week's flavour

I don't feel like writing. But I will. I will write badly and not try to be creative or clever.

Today marks two months of being a lazy slob. That is, unemployed. Not even studying. Just eating and sleeping and endeavouring to make people laugh and maybe even like me. And some other stuff in between I guess. I am bored out of my brain. So bored.

I am not content in life. I should be, because I live with two fantastic people and feel so at home (totally claimed a chair - it's my chair), and I'm safe and healthy and have good friends and a loving family. But I'm so weighed down by the big questions in life, and so miserable about not having what I wish would fulfill me. Perhaps that doesn't make sense. And yes, it's melodramatic and artsy-fartsy-let's-contemplate-the-world-in-our-togas but for some reason these things matter to me and are on my heart and I won't be at peace until I have answers.
And also, because I've got myself a reputation of being very honest and open about life, there's no point leaving this out: I feel like almost all of my Armidale friends are married or almost married or thinking about getting married and, oh, gee, here's me. I talk to myself and don't brush my hair very regularly and I keep people at a distance or push them away when I'm depressed and can't figure out what to live for and I have a nasty, sarcastic manner and oh, maybe some self confidence issues coming out there? Haha. Now I'm just being a teenager. (Sorry teenagers. You know I love you.) But seriously. I'm going to Argentina some day. I want to get this teaching degree done! It's nice being free but it would be so wonderful to have a lifelong best friend. I know I'm just voicing what everyone has thought at some stage in their life, so I'm not embarrassed. I just wish I could be content. Not to be confused with "happy"; happy is an emotion like hunger is a feeling.

(My mum used to write emails that went something like "I love your blog darling. But what did you mean when you said..." She doesn't write that anymore. Either I'm starting to make sense or she's just given up..)

Hmm, it really depends on the mood I'm in as to what you're going to get. If I had have sat down after my run this morning it would be a very different bunch of musings. As it is, you have me after a day of metaphorically throwing concepts at a wall and getting bruises as they bounce back and hit me again, and pestering my friends to explain the world and God to me in a way I would like. And yet someone telling me how to be human is not going to make me feel free, is it? I don't know. Maybe if that someone knew what it was like to be truly human...

Oh how does he DO that? And why can't I CHANGE?!?!!